"Your Name" - The Jewel closest yet farthest from you

Its most certain that you could guess what my favorite alphabet is going to be... S!

you might think its because of my name, it start with S and so the Letter....and therefore my favorite. but to bring the truth out in the open, its just the other way round. Me being the narcissist, love every part of me because it is that way. But when it comes to my name , knowing that it was kept, by my parents without putting much thought, i might not have liked it so much with a ring of "taps" in it .But the reason it belongs to me more than anything else , courtesy the alphabet S.

You some how grow with name, it may be one of the 1st sane things you learn about your own self. One of the 1st things that make you interact with the world. In spite of the fact that it being the identity that stays with you, travels with you, is you, is something that you can not take credit for.Its given to you by your parents with love.you accept it over the years and start to connect with it.

You know when you name is being called in the role call in the class, its you. You turn around when a friend calls over. But have you ever sat with your own self and repeated you name over 20 time without any reason just to realize, its you!Try it. Well I have experienced it and can say that it is the time when you start connecting to yourself. You take the 1st step of feeling the real you.I know many would disagree with this concept of name affecting your personality. I do have doubts myself whether being ARJUN makes you life as miserable as it was for the real "Arjun". But i do strongly believe in its corollary, i believe connecting to yourself starts when you connect with your name.

I doubt if many people follow this approach because its like "the name" is for the outer world. People know you by it . Thats you identity,but it is for the rest to know and call you. They see you as person "XYZ" because thats your name.But how often do we call ourselves? A very successful psychological therapy makes you talk to your own self. By calling your self with your name with confidence and hope in voice. It make you instill in your own self the faith and courage. Just by speaking to your own self and exclaiming yourself by your own name you can do wonders.thats the power in your name, no matter what is means. Very few times do we realize, that something we are so close to, "our name", something that is only ours, is actually something we never paid attention to..it just stays on and on with us and we choose to ignore the surmounting untapped power that resides in it.

When i did that myself, the ring was different.I felt i was a different person when I hear my name being called out by others and i was different person as I called it out to myself over and over again. World around me wouldn't have accepted that disparaging attitude of mine towards my name when it bought me face to face with person with the same name. She was a person i spent maximum time with my friend from graduate school. My name was no more mine.It was her's and i wasn't jealous at all. I have not tried, since then, the closure exercise of being close to my name because now i exactly knew how it sounded like, how it felt like when i say it loud or shout it out. I had all the liberty to do all all that i wanted to without being tagged as an insane person who repeats her name herself. This was because it was no more my name. It was her's or may be our name. I dont know if she ever pondered on this, but the feeling was mutual. Its a rare and I must say a very different feeling to hang out all day long with a person when you call each other with same name.

I have had moments when i have felt far or close to my name. But one thing i could never let go was the love for my alphabet S. That was something which I had established that even though its a part of mine as well as many others name, it had what i loved, the style. I dont know how you would find it, but the reason is the shape i love the alphabet for its shape. I love the alphabet for its sound...the phonetic .I love the alphabet for its artistic sense of taking different forms.I love the alphabet as its so feminine, and above all i love it as its in my name.

Is there really something called the INTUITION?

A power to know things without consciously having to give a reason as to why? Does it really happen, half the world tells me the scorpions - the horoscope sign, are really good with it. I am not sure weather i am, in spite of being one. Or it can be that being a Scorpio i know weather if it really works or not- if at all they have a strong sense of intuition as they say....

Is there really some divine intervention that tell us in a secretive way whats going to happen or is it just the the wild guess that you have before the activity which draws your attention later.I doubt if its really a wild guess anyway. I feel its just an implicit reaction before facing a situation. A condition where you try and submerge in the overtly feared and impatiently expected liquid tanks.You try both one after the other, try and breathe for a while as you are in it.You experience and feel it , and then believe that you are ready for the event.When the task does take the course and the outcome is there... you go... i knew it! I had an intuition.

How many times do we really realize when the good happens.We never look back.WE always wanted it and happy to have it.As good is always more than welcome.When its about the positive outcome we are so over whelmed that we never revert back in time and think - did i had an intuition that i would win. there is no need to go back into the retrospective. And when there is a need, like in a situation where it goes against your odds, you remember the dip you took before.

Having an intuition, i believe is just coming out of the closet and admitting - "I have negative approach towards things and in order to deal with it I see all the sides of the coin before hand . I fear all the options before they happen. I try and live the moment in future for every possible case in just fraction of seconds". If you are a winner, you do not care to think back about the pre-dealing, as heart always wants what you mind expects out of the situation, and when you get it there is no looking back. You are any way in a positive winning land, and far away from negative realms. But, on the other hand if you do loose, you knew it already! As you had already lived the moment. Lived the moment before hand, to experience what you are feeling now.you are prepared and you say i knew it- I had an intuition.

Well now, how good is it to have an intuition , to feel feared? How good is it to think negative before hand and not expect with whole heart what you really want . Why invest in your energies in thinking of the worst than keep the spirits around positive. Whats the harm in being a Pollyanna?

Does thinking later that you had an intuition , and having to know it before hand ,would it make you feel any better, does that intuition drama rehearsal of varied options make you a stronger person anywhere. Does it really change your reaction when you experience the situation live!! NO , you are still heart broken when you loose. You still react as if you never expected it would happen and you still feel new to the decision(only later to admit you knew it:) ).

May point here is when unconsciously , even after you you do your dress rehearsal of seconds it doesn't change what you expect .Why treat yourself to cowardice game of intuition anyway. Just be out and out positive winner , feel bad when you loose .Cry when you get the unexpected....and leave the fearful Cassandra behind.

Living among the dead.

The green fronds coming out of the lifeless shrubs nearby a wrecked pavement, made me think why was i even forced to look at it by the will of god when i was driving .It caught my eye, and i was stuck. what ran through me i don't know and in no time i took out my deceptive looking cheap camera phone and took its picture.

You don't find it beautiful? I care less about the beauty, this one instilled in me an immediate spasm of strength .a hope to live among to dead. the spring of hope to make a living without any support. this one dint care what its immediate surrounding depicted, in order to turn the environment as its reflection its sprung up green all day long, trying to manage the stiffness in the absence of any sign of support, water or soil. it stood there, glowing like as if nothing had gone wrong. Do we in real life get carried away by environment and surrounding circumstances. Do we at most times let them over power our positive ray hope? what is it? A simple bush could does in life and we just give in but don't even quit completely! Life is all about standing still till it just slips away and you don't even get to know its gone . whats the point sitting and waiting for it to go, when you yourself can still go all around it. There is nothing wrong in living when you stand still and keep fighting. But hell shall break loose if you sit and try to live for the sake of it, waiting to die -half wrecked.

some sane intelligence is portrayed by those plants, the dead chose to die and greener chose to live, and none affect each others state of mind!

Don't we have something to learn from everything:)

Chalaati Ke Naam Gaali!

Well she is a girl and that is her fault. And if she drives a car she commits a sin. She would get all the tough looks, she would get fingers, the frowns, even if she is standing in the lane which is stand still, the heads will turn and say "What is your problem WOMEN?".

Of course this country will never grow out of the ecclesiastical views, wherein women cant speak, cant dance, cant work,cant drink and cant smoke.Sadly the country has a women president. The society and specially the 'Men' of the society feel moreover that the car was invented for them. They have all the right! Its their property.there might be a learner sitting inside and driving one, but he still has the right, which by the way is god gifted one to lay his hand off from the steering, turn around at her in anger, tilt the fingers of his hands and say "What?"What are you doing?ha?".

Yes i understand the belief that women are bad drivers. though this is a self inflicted one,may be this belief emerged as self defense and "safeguarding your right to drive" tactics, but sadly they have managed to make this belief widely accepted and is working good enough.But for one moment even if i do believe women are bad drivers,i would like to blame it on Men . In fact who taught them how to drive.Well as of now, in support of my argument I haven't seen any female learners driving school trainer.So to put the statement the other way, i understand women have learnt driving from bad teachers, they have been perceived as impatient, rash and confused drivers who break at the butt of the car in front.but, On the contrary men aren't great as well!

Men having to posses the license to drink without being victimized by societies moralistic views drive rash enough to barge into each other and take lives.Men with an innate passion to rally race wait for the wee hours of the day to try out that as well and conveniently run down many pedestrians.Men drivers are dreaded no less than the old feared Red line buses. All men might not be the best drivers but they are generalized as good ones, no wonder women drivers in spite of exceptions of those who come over the bad training, are considered as bad ones.

Although majority play a major role in making conclusions, women have found their way to reply each and every question asked to them when it comes to driving.But now they as well have one to ask ,When Men can drive with a cigarette in hand, then why can't women while putting the lipstick on. Well why not women after all, is an accepted fact by men as well are good at Multi tasking.

An average male driver is considered as good driver, and all the rest,odd even- are average.All the women drivers are considered as bad drivers, and the good ones -barely average. Its hard to accept that she can drive,and to be the part of mockery in making are even those have no idea of the driving wheel what so ever.Well Men, I must say are a super constipated case of over confidence, that even before they learn how to drive they already know they would be better than this women. Anyway even if thats not the case why loose a chance to laugh out loud.

He is driving wrong way, bang on opposite. overtaking in single roadway, totally on the flaw side, feeling like a mouse already while driving wrong side.doing what he should not have done, but he is brave man and this was his pet toy that he can maneuver anywhere posing inconvenience to the car coming from the front.He knows he has done a mistake and may be he is sorry, therefore he sticks his eye right in front not wanting to face that fraction of a second, where even by mistake he would have to look into the eyes of the one driving the car coming from from front.Somewhere he is damn scared.But the man in him wakes forth like a devil as soon as he sees the women driving the car in front. Before she could say anything or prove him wrong.before he could be felt like penny by a women, he shouts back at her! what the hell !

No matter how wrong men are, they are always right in front of a women.

And when you do shout back, the look that says get lost get lost, is not just demeaning but its the look that probably helps them spread the belief women are bad drivers.That look helps them satisfy the ego, no matter what we do we rule this arena.

When a man sees man doing the same thing they saw women doing any where while driving. They would think twice to say anything , or express emotions. May be these emotions don't even exist or just casually fade away, but they do stir up, the emotions of resentment and hatred come as ignited by the sniff of irritation just by seeing a women drive. A comment that could ideally be ignored if it was any one of the same league, but it becomes totally unavoidable if be the other sex.

I feel, poor"she" is always standing in the court of "Judicial law of traffic and Women".She is supposed to answer every look,reply back to every verbal abuse, every hand movement. Its not as if they are saying"what are you doing lady?" its as if they are asking "why the hell are you driving?".

Thankfull???

Just talked to a friend of mine.He told me that they are sitting just few meters away, and they could see his face, while he was sitting in cold outside just because after months he got an internet connection on phone.My heart sank when i had to tell him i was watching sa re ga ma pa at zee.I had to hear "there is no TV no Electricity here".I told him he should not worry, he was an engineer and he would get a job when he get back home, anytime he got bored or sacred!but i was shocked to see the strength in his words when he said i am going to take them one on one. I am just waiting for an opportunity.I told him not to worry, and he replies I am not worried at all.I am happy here at14000 feet.I am happy here, where there are no roads. i don't want to come back!but yes, I just miss friends at times.

I don't know weather he was happy to know that friends that he missed, might be as far as they are now, even if he, would have been here.but he kept saying he talks to his mom twice a week,but he misses college friends.

Someone as naughty as him i could never imagine would land up there possessing that attitude, brave and firm.He asked with a shock who told you the fight is not on!!!Its on and and it stays on. probably he already had an arm in is hand while he was typing to me.He said, he has to stay alert all the while, he can not afford he reflexes take rest. Somewhere he also sounded happy that he dint pay so much attention to those college classes.A brat i must say he was at college, but one of the few polite ones.No one could be more PROUD i say... those teachers who scolded him. or may be students like me who thought he actions would not do any good.As that was past and this is present.He is at a place which would make the president look like a penny!He is where 99% of the population has no balls to be at. A thin 56 kg boy says he has enough strength to nail down anyone with an infiltrating eye.

I really don't know what made me write this today, i was touched after we like talked for 1 hour over chat. i was worried that he should get back as he was in cold but may be he was ON for night as well.While i had to go back to sleep and he wished me :"Good Night": for sweet dreams in my cushion bed some where in town of Delhi.He kept was relishing he little time on the bleak internet connection that got on there

Its said and it true we salute them, atleast i do!and not on those days when the whole country njoys a holiday . i salute them after such incidences.Where i was all enthralled by some reality show on TV and an hour later i am questioning every breath i take now asking was i ever thankful???

Jai Jawan!!!!!!!

professional or fake?

When I sit around people who I don't dislike, in fact they are the ones I spend the maximum time with, in the whole day. I look at them, and I admit I have to smile, I say "I have to" because it does not come from within implicitly. What is it? How come with people whom you don't meet for months, you strike a better cord. Your old friends, your friends from childhood and high school. How come they are the easier lot to get along with. They are not even in touch with you, they don't even know what is going on in your life's, but when they do meet you they are updated in a minute and they say what you want to hear. If I ask why is it that the people we spend the maximum time of our lives, from morning to evening when we work together, we cant connect to them the way we connect to the rest.

How can I be a different person all day long. Speak calculatively, run the filter mechanism before uttering a word . I cant be my controversial self. I cant be what my rest of the friends think I am > "A Super High Woman". Why does professionalism have to change me. Or is that "The Changed Me" called the professional me??

What amazes me is how i am so changed just for these few hours of the day. I have a dead thick skin, enough so not to change me to the core. But this transition-i dint try for it, i just don't have to work towards it at all. It comes on to me, takes over me naturally.

I can talk the whole day,but not on what is on my mind. That I shall do when i get out sit in my car and call up and blurt out, vomit out and then drive back safely.

But yes, i can talk on anything you want me to talk about, on things that do not matter and on things that do matter but to you(May be thats just me).

I was just wondering how people leave one by one and you don't mis them either.you don't miss the absence,you accustom yourself to the place and work and not the people.its unbelievable how a man as a social animal can not be connected to humans more than work.you need people around but they can be replaced by any, it dose not matter.What is important is they should be there when you work.

Competition kills your friendship.it just doesn't let it blossom , you never know your good friend (as you thought ) might be a very good actor.The life is different for those hours. You are tagged as colleagues and that spoils the show. Any other place where this tag would not exist I would have had wonderful people to stay in touch with for life, outside the premises of that building it could be better, but inside -time is not everything.it heals nothing, it breaks nothing, it has no existence at all.No matter how much time you do spend, inside the building -everything is colleagues- under one arms distance of thoughts!

Well the question is weather this is professionalism? If it is- then why does it have to change me.and if you claim i am the same,see me as a quick learner or may be a quicker unlearn'er.you only see one side of me at a time. That is probably the only time I avoid multi tasking! I don't know weather I want to unlearn this lesson of change in -change out. I am going good. Somewhere it does not bother me. Well of course I am not the only one. The feeling is likewise amongst everyone of us. What made me write this today is may be, my over expressive personality, a highly agitated and a controversial soul that i may call myself, does a kind of meditation the whole day in the most important hours. But when i do break the fast of my meditating resting soul.It feels like a quitting smoker just got his fag in the end of the day!