why Men need "their" space alone more than women...? Have you ever thought about it with a little emphasis on the fact that this requirement of men is so important that they urge to try and fulfill this at every moment in their life.. Even if they go out together they would be away. Most of the times they try to portray this feeling as a Running away from women, but I sincerely doubt that.

colours!

I am sure i like colors so much that they reside in ever part of me. they are there in everything that belongs to me , from clothes to accessories even this blog. It just that i never noticed. Sometimes things that are just a part of you, you don't notice and people make you realize. I never hated colors but its recently i observed i for god saken might be in love with them enough that that they reside in every part of me. May be if you sit with yourself you would realize there are so many things you would just do... which you wont even think about twice because they are just You! but to notice with a nuance , they are these special idiosyncrasies which make you... the you! People may observe them for you and tell you more about them for you to put a finger on! Well they are good or bad i am not sure but because they are so much a part of you , you never imagined yourself without them.., if you do may be it would some one else and not you!

I consciously piked black and grey in my life and always thought i had enough of it and that's what i was always left with to remember but i forget what all i piked unconsciously .... its may be everything i need i pick yup unconsciously in life. and all that i want i work towards it consciously all that i wish i should have had... i make it a point to work towards it and thats why i remember it. but somethings just come naturally to you and you dont work towards them... to realize later that you already have them.

A new reason!

Sometimes everything around you brings you down, and every action of yours is worth doubting. you dont think twice and fall for the action and later repent. you do things all together all of sudden and they all bring you down. every word spoken by people around... the weather the actions the circumstances the news the songs the time ....everything seems wrong. the world around just seems so wrong. against you! or may be with you in commotion!

And specially for people like me bringing myself back to the good life becomes totally out of question for the kind of difficult person i am. A hug works but not always! Cardamom may be but not the best thing!

And unusually so.. you feel all better after a stupid video which you might have seen a 100 times , you have nothing to do with it but still it brings back the you in you!

it just happened with me... so much so that i made my loved dead blog alive again, i have missed you so much and its time i spend time with you again.... that video just worked i dont know how... sometimes the life takes 360 degree turn and the state of mind which was worlds apart comes together and you feel yourself.. but i wonder just by a video... ?? i dont know may I just need a new reason every time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e6ZPQrusN4 :) Thanks!

accustomed

Bombay easily has lost more lives to terrorist bombs than any other city. And we are yet to see a single memorial for the dead. It is just about getting back to normal self now, the fear even though it persists but I feel it now lurks some where in the background . The city has gone through this shock What can you say about a city that is in such tearing hurry to forget its dead?If it was not so, may be they would stop living and the city would come a standstill. what scares me is the feeling that they must have become accustomed to unwanted readiness to accept a loss of near dear one anytime. Wouldn't that make them loose an important part of emotional quotient.Becoming shock proof to emotions and being emotionless are two different things. the only fear that resides in me that i seeing them become the latter in order to achieve the threshold of being shock proof.

absence!

When the feeling is there you are not there, when life takes a turn and i need to bend down and i need your help , your hand is missing. I know if you would have known that need it you would have come running and would taken me in your arms. But your presence no matter how much you try, would still be missing. I try to remember everything i can , so that when i talk to you , i don't want to miss a thing. You presence can be made available as much as i want i can. By narrating the incident may be you would become the same part of my life as you were. No matter how much i forgive the absence that will never go away and that's about it!

There have been times when i have tried to remember each incident as it was so that i could listen to what your reaction. the problems are never just ending its either the the way i deal with them has changed or the way update you that has change. But probably change is the only permanent thing. and Just waiting for more changes.

tug of war!

When living for existing is all you can do. You have no option but to just breathe in and out and feel you are alive. That feeling is enough to remind you that nothing is invariably wrong as breathing reaffirms you are here to live. When its love and hate bound together its all about staying there and not feeling repulsed by either. With time neither of the them irk you off. In fact resilience from one makes you drive towards the other with renewed vigor. Love eventually levels to hatred and the reason of this hatred primarily being love never lets it take its real shape. It might be sad that at times is become insanely difficult to put a finger on which is the predominant feeling as both reside at equally spaced moments.But in hearts of hearts you know which one is a predecessor and which feeling is the successor. Over a period of time in relationships an argument becomes a necessicity to break the the monotonous feeling of over explicit amore. The tiff would reaffirm the need to come back and establishes the primary feeling of love. Its like playing tug of war when winning is not important staying in the game is !

Truth begins at lies!

Every body lies. If you give it a thought you would realize that even though you see yourself to be a truthful person, you would have lied at some point of time in your life. Nothing is hidden for long though, and that lie you must have said in order to keep a secret for sometime, but no one has gotten away without lying.

In fact I think lying brings out the truth, its where truth begins. Everything in its existence is a pure fact, once a statement aims to defy a pure fact which is said as "lie", it further pushes the fact to be established as a truth.

Nonetheless every action has a equal and opposite reaction , the worlds existence is balanced between two poles,every fall has an uprising, every false statement hides a true one. But in the end what matters is what people do, and not what they "say". True or false do create existence of facts, but as it is said actions always speak louder than words.

.......

काफी वखत हुआ

हमें कुच हैरान नही करता...

सहमेय से बैठे है

सदमें के प्रकोप मे

चाह्ते थे कि कोइ खींचे

और ले जाए रोशनी मे

पर अफसोस अब हमे

यह अन्धकार परेशान नही करता

When Sleep Says gud bye

If I could say it loud amidst dreams of darkness...

and save myself from this commotion in calmness,

If i would remain the same throughout...

and not phase out into the visible blindness..

and then i could put a finger weather its joy or sadness...

The sleep is no longer my friend

its the nite when i wake up

and wait...

The feeling that you might me present somewhere here

no sooner any more

This feeling has to persist....and drag me till the end

I don't want to break

nor do i wish to go far...

But every thought reminds me of a story

and i phase out and fall apart...

oh no i see! a part me dosnt go on with me

i have lost my head..

and as part of all the stupid things i have said

i am quite in the middle of everything

and i never meant to be this way...

But how many times do you plan

and it happens accordingly...

it never meant to be like this...

May be its just because it is me...

Can you be my shadow and follow...

then sing or spot away for me

but i would know you are there...somewhere

Every part of the day, sorrow free.

It shall not break any deal

your presence will still be concealed.

I live in a beautiful world....

and every stone i move or every leaf i touch

There exists void... that can not be told.

Life is full till the brim

But the void doesn't let it be prim.

i m sorry

I really dont know how to get over this..

how to get it out of me

have to bear what i am in...

but its new as this was never ever difficult before.

Its new and strange

and killing me to core..

i want to talk and tell and explain..

but i have nothing to say

I know i have to say something..

A lot in fact but don't know what!

I will fight without a reason and then cry to say sorry,

I will shed a tear and still don't know why i m crying...

If anything could make it better

I m sure it wont work now...

Does this mean it would increase with time

the inability to put a finger on something which bothers me

I hate myself for acting insane.

I have no logical reasoning.

Its an addiction i m falling prey to..

Its sad i react this way!

I m sorry!

When and how do you know its time??

This is one the most inane thoughts that have recently irked me, its a thought of -getting married. Its not because i don't understand the concept of marriage, in fact i adore it. But whats troubling me is a very basic question, When ?? Marry When?

My closest of friends who chose to decide over a period of one month, the month that i have not spent there in their life's,have decided to go ahead with what is called a fast forward wedding plan and even before i could complete the breath of shock i received, they had already tied a knot.

I am Enthralled and to mention that would just be in vain as there is nothing important to me than this occasion. The time invested by me in the fights and problem solving for these friends of mine who have finally decided to spent rest of their lives together gives a sigh of relief.I love them all and m so happy and unfortunate to be not there.

I am happy for each one of them(i dont want to count who all ), there are no doubts about that! But there is this one feeling which is holding me back and making me question my own self. a question that brings a smile on my face again ... Am i still a kid? Am i still a kid, still stuck somewhere in 19 and 20 years of age? When i do calculate my present age it gives me goosebumps. Of what i thought people at 24 would think like i still do not(Valid reason to have some in heated rooms!) I am also not usually wrong of how i perceive my friends i have known then since time immemorial, i exactly know the reasoning behind their actions and decisions. I have guided them and know they think so unlike me and thats where i play my role of existing in their life's!

In order to test my level of thinking now, i decide to judge them and realize they are where i expect them to be not very far from me.They are still the same for me.the same discussions and the same reactions, same actions and same decisions...... except one. They have under all possibilities and in large numbers decided to simultaneously take a decision to gt married. What did they all eat in that one month that they could think on the lines that am i choosing not to think.(its just may be my absence)

The other thought still lurking through my brain.....What marriage has to do with age? Is there something called the marriageable age? Physiologically-- all crap!if not ....then get married at 20.

Why only 23 24 25 26!

I would define may be something called "Marriageable Mind", this term deserves more respect that any thing else. People much younger to me are married and people much older to me are still not thinking about it.

How do you end up putting a finger- "Bang"!!! I want to go ahead with it?

May be if you are academically satiated and financially stable it gives you enough licence to put a mature thought to this deal. But if you are not, does that mean you are not ready to get into such kind of an arrangement. The answer usually people give is that can not take care of responsibilities so soon! My parents started there life's together when they had like the minimum wages ever...once upon a time.May be this one is just an excuse.(which many have been stating)

More over is it solely in you hands to get married? I am sure many who do get married, got done because people around them thought they should. I just plainly repeat "How do you decide"?

Its not that i don't want to get married ever... but scares me to see people with me and around me, people i called my people are already in it (look at me stating marriage at something so scary)but it is scaring, I don't know what it means to me. I am sure it means a lot, but when will it start meaning a lot to me i will realize its not scary!

i am sure will not be a run away bride.... i will go ahead with a smile... but what now... tell me why they went ahead with it... are they not with me...or have i lagged behind??

miss you

I wish you were here with me today.

to see me as a person i have become in these 4 years.

from those discussions that used to annoy you..

i have come far to take a stand.

I might not be near your room

or in the same house

or may be the same country as you used to be...

but i know now you have all surmounting power with you

so come just once and bless me

i am missing you, today

you presence, your lap!

you blessing, your hug!

I m sure you would be happy:)

i am promising you that...

its been long that you have gone now...

i feel like spending some time now..

you are god or even if you are with him

i m sure he likes you enough..

to permit you to come here and see me...

i love you and missing u dadu!

when changes are for the better....

Its funny when i look back in time and see myself as a person who thought of every situation from the hindsight and therefore ended up being skeptical of its affirmative occurrence.I wouldn't say it was completely a negative thought process in action but yes, the fear of the inevitable was more than the brighter side. Life was the way it had always been moving.any change was welcome but with fear.
changes always mean adjustments, without adjustments they can not be incorporated.There was alot of hue and cry about the unacceptable will be adopted and how our life from somewhere would go back to nowhere.

Its amazing that how once we come out of the situation we realize that we are so lucky that we cant see the future, if we could, then we might not make the efforts we made for it to occur.

What kills me most now to see myself as cynic who cried in anticipation of how worse the future would be.who wasted so many minutes of the life clock to think how bad thing would get, because they are "just" going to be different.We assumed its gonna be difficult, we assumed its gonna be bad, why dont we ever think...the change might be good and for the better.


I see my self be some i wanted to be, i also see the voids of inexplicable immaturities i spend half my life reasoning, fill up gradually.
Tougher discussions are smoother now and the repeated explanation of the facts is not required.

Was just reading one of my earlier posts....

http://sonaltewari.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-04-23T21%3A34%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=20
@#$@ShOcKPrOoF**$&^%7
"........
............its fun.. its interesting this is no piece of advice.. i can afford to do this . i m privileged
but sadly i m no more " Planned and Orchestrated"
but its different....
tell me something i will listen to it.
give me something i will take it.
show me something and i bet i wouldn't be amused...!!! "

I am giving away the self which used to take what you give me. I can say No!
and i have tried it...Its a different feeling to take your decisions, its a different felling to do what you want to do...without much consultations!
My mistakes are now mine.. i have already made few...but the difference is I am proud of making them.no one knows i made them...to tell me later"See I told you to do it the other way". All pros and cons were mine, the pencil and paper were in my hand. The risk was mine. The actions and paths i would take are mine and i am happy to report i shall be solely responsible with no regrets.

Thank god i write and can always go back and check on me!- The Change.

The game

Its is the game...

It has been played against me...

Life has played its early moves...

And it my turn...

and to take the clues.

Loosing is no option..

As my opponent wants me to win..

not that it is weak...

and its trying to strengthen my chances.

but it plays every move and takes every step

being life as a strong player

its just teaching me how to win.

Can you roll the dice for me...

i will close my eyes and not see...

i am hoping to strike ...still taking a ride.

but can you play.. and set me free.

new world...

I just saw a very cute movie. It was "The little Manhattan". I dint know cute movies also bring tear to my eyes. I am discovering a lot of new things here about me on the soil of United states of America. Its been quite an adventurous journey for me from uncertainties to realities.A trip where everything i did was the for the 1st time.Nothing i could say i was experienced off.seeing off my parents to landing in the state which i had only seen in movies.

Life has taken a 360 degree turn. From world wide broadcast to self talking, from mom waking me up to the alarm clock.From gloves and napkins to dish washing thrice a day.

It has taken one good circle and i am still keen to take it up.

I like people here.The air is clean and you can see literally how clean it is.The sky is clear and is the best part about the openness.The the world is white and beautiful.

The feeling here is the same. The mind is the same and my determination is the same.and the best part is that even when is shakes or waivers, I am the same. There is no one to throw tantrums at. Against all odds and situations you have to rise and shine.there is no Date and there is no shoulder to cry on to.Its just you.No matter how dependent i was on few people,brother sister mother father boyfriend children -the world. I am everybody for myself here, and this is the feeling that completes you. As my brother has rightly said, (and its not funny that i am quoting him), that every part of life is just a "Phase" and as life moves on one phase ends another starts.And I am up and ready to play all roles in the world of war!!!