Monday, March 21, 2011

i m sorry

I really dont know how to get over this..
how to get it out of me
have to bear what i am in...
but its new as this was never ever difficult before.

Its new and strange
and killing me to core..
i want to talk and tell and explain..
but i have nothing to say

I know i have to say something..
A lot in fact but don't know what!
I will fight without a reason and then cry to say sorry,
I will shed a tear and still don't know why i m crying...

If anything could make it better
I m sure it wont work now...

Does this mean it would increase with time
the inability to put a finger on something which bothers me
I hate myself for acting insane.
I have no logical reasoning.

Its an addiction i m falling prey to..
Its sad i react this way!
I m sorry!



Friday, February 25, 2011

When and how do you know its time??

This is one the most inane thoughts that have recently irked me, its a thought of -getting married. Its not because i don't understand the concept of marriage, in fact i adore it. But whats troubling me is a very basic question, When ?? Marry When?

My closest of friends who chose to decide over a period of one month, the month that i have not spent there in their life's,have decided to go ahead with what is called a fast forward wedding plan and even before i could complete the breath of shock i received, they had already tied a knot.

I am Enthralled and to mention that would just be in vain as there is nothing important to me than this occasion. The time invested by me in the fights and problem solving for these friends of mine who have finally decided to spent rest of their lives together gives a sigh of relief.I love them all and m so happy and unfortunate to be not there.

I am happy for each one of them(i dont want to count who all ), there are no doubts about that! But there is this one feeling which is holding me back and making me question my own self. a question that brings a smile on my face again ... Am i still a kid? Am i still a kid, still stuck somewhere in 19 and 20 years of age? When i do calculate my present age it gives me goosebumps. Of what i thought people at 24 would think like i still do not(Valid reason to have some in heated rooms!) I am also not usually wrong of how i perceive my friends i have known then since time immemorial, i exactly know the reasoning behind their actions and decisions. I have guided them and know they think so unlike me and thats where i play my role of existing in their life's!

In order to test my level of thinking now, i decide to judge them and realize they are where i expect them to be not very far from me.They are still the same for me.the same discussions and the same reactions, same actions and same decisions...... except one. They have under all possibilities and in large numbers decided to simultaneously take a decision to gt married. What did they all eat in that one month that they could think on the lines that am i choosing not to think.(its just may be my absence)



The other thought still lurking through my brain.....What marriage has to do with age? Is there something called the marriageable age? Physiologically-- all crap!if not ....then get married at 20.
Why only 23 24 25 26!

I would define may be something called "Marriageable Mind", this term deserves more respect that any thing else. People much younger to me are married and people much older to me are still not thinking about it.
How do you end up putting a finger- "Bang"!!! I want to go ahead with it?

May be if you are academically satiated and financially stable it gives you enough licence to put a mature thought to this deal. But if you are not, does that mean you are not ready to get into such kind of an arrangement. The answer usually people give is that can not take care of responsibilities so soon! My parents started there life's together when they had like the minimum wages ever...once upon a time.May be this one is just an excuse.(which many have been stating)

More over is it solely in you hands to get married? I am sure many who do get married, got done because people around them thought they should. I just plainly repeat "How do you decide"?
Its not that i don't want to get married ever... but scares me to see people with me and around me, people i called my people are already in it (look at me stating marriage at something so scary)but it is scaring, I don't know what it means to me. I am sure it means a lot, but when will it start meaning a lot to me i will realize its not scary!

i am sure will not be a run away bride.... i will go ahead with a smile... but what now... tell me why they went ahead with it... are they not with me...or have i lagged behind??

Thursday, February 24, 2011

miss you

I wish you were here with me today.
to see me as a person i have become in these 4 years.
from those discussions that used to annoy you..
i have come far to take a stand.

I might not be near your room
or in the same house
or may be the same country as you used to be...
but i know now you have all surmounting power with you

so come just once and bless me
i am missing you, today
you presence, your lap!
you blessing, your hug!

I m sure you would be happy:)
i am promising you that...
its been long that you have gone now...
i feel like spending some time now..

you are god or even if you are with him
i m sure he likes you enough..
to permit you to come here and see me...
i love you and missing u dadu!


Sunday, February 13, 2011

when changes are for the better....

Its funny when i look back in time and see myself as a person who thought of every situation from the hindsight and therefore ended up being skeptical of its affirmative occurrence.I wouldn't say it was completely a negative thought process in action but yes, the fear of the inevitable was more than the brighter side. Life was the way it had always been moving.any change was welcome but with fear.
changes always mean adjustments, without adjustments they can not be incorporated.There was alot of hue and cry about the unacceptable will be adopted and how our life from somewhere would go back to nowhere.

Its amazing that how once we come out of the situation we realize that we are so lucky that we cant see the future, if we could, then we might not make the efforts we made for it to occur.

What kills me most now to see myself as cynic who cried in anticipation of how worse the future would be.who wasted so many minutes of the life clock to think how bad thing would get, because they are "just" going to be different.We assumed its gonna be difficult, we assumed its gonna be bad, why dont we ever think...the change might be good and for the better.


I see my self be some i wanted to be, i also see the voids of inexplicable immaturities i spend half my life reasoning, fill up gradually.
Tougher discussions are smoother now and the repeated explanation of the facts is not required.

Was just reading one of my earlier posts....

http://sonaltewari.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-04-23T21%3A34%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=20
@#$@ShOcKPrOoF**$&^%7
"........
............its fun.. its interesting this is no piece of advice.. i can afford to do this . i m privileged
but sadly i m no more " Planned and Orchestrated"
but its different....
tell me something i will listen to it.
give me something i will take it.
show me something and i bet i wouldn't be amused...!!!
"

I am giving away the self which used to take what you give me. I can say No!
and i have tried it...Its a different feeling to take your decisions, its a different felling to do what you want to do...without much consultations!
My mistakes are now mine.. i have already made few...but the difference is I am proud of making them.no one knows i made them...to tell me later"See I told you to do it the other way". All pros and cons were mine, the pencil and paper were in my hand. The risk was mine. The actions and paths i would take are mine and i am happy to report i shall be solely responsible with no regrets.

Thank god i write and can always go back and check on me!- The Change.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The game

Its is the game...
It has been played against me...

Life has played its early moves...
And it my turn...
and to take the clues.

Loosing is no option..
As my opponent wants me to win..
not that it is weak...
and its trying to strengthen my chances.
but it plays every move and takes every step
being life as a strong player
its just teaching me how to win.

Can you roll the dice for me...
i will close my eyes and not see...
i am hoping to strike ...still taking a ride.
but can you play.. and set me free.






Thursday, January 27, 2011

new world...

I just saw a very cute movie. It was "The little Manhattan". I dint know cute movies also bring tear to my eyes. I am discovering a lot of new things here about me on the soil of United states of America. Its been quite an adventurous journey for me from uncertainties to realities.A trip where everything i did was the for the 1st time.Nothing i could say i was experienced off.seeing off my parents to landing in the state which i had only seen in movies.
Life has taken a 360 degree turn. From world wide broadcast to self talking, from mom waking me up to the alarm clock.From gloves and napkins to dish washing thrice a day.
It has taken one good circle and i am still keen to take it up.
I like people here.The air is clean and you can see literally how clean it is.The sky is clear and is the best part about the openness.The the world is white and beautiful.
The feeling here is the same. The mind is the same and my determination is the same.and the best part is that even when is shakes or waivers, I am the same. There is no one to throw tantrums at. Against all odds and situations you have to rise and shine.there is no Date and there is no shoulder to cry on to.Its just you.No matter how dependent i was on few people,brother sister mother father boyfriend children -the world. I am everybody for myself here, and this is the feeling that completes you. As my brother has rightly said, (and its not funny that i am quoting him), that every part of life is just a "Phase" and as life moves on one phase ends another starts.And I am up and ready to play all roles in the world of war!!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

छिप छिप अश्रु बहाने वालों


छिप छिप अश्रु बहाने वालों
मोती व्यर्थ लुटाने वालों
कुछ सपनों के मर जाने से जीवन नहीं मरा करता है

सपना क्या है ?
नयन सेज पर,
सोया हुआ आँख का पानी,
और टूटना है उसका ज्यों
जागे कच्ची नींद जवानी
गीली उम्र बराने वालों ,डूबे बिना नहाने वालों
कुछ पानी के बह जाने से , सावन नहीं मरा करता है

माला बिखर गयी तोह क्या है
खुद ही हल हो गयी समस्या
आंसू गर नीलम हुए तोह ,
समझो पुरी हुई तपस्या
रूठे दिवस मनाने वालों ,फटी कमीज़ सिलाने वालों
कुछ दीपों के भुझ जाने से, आँगन नहीं मरा करता है


खोता कुछ भी नहीं यहाँ पर,
केवल जिल्द बदलती पोथी,
जैसे रात उतार चांदनी ,
पहने सुबह धुप की धोती!
वस्त्र बदल के आने वालों , चाल बदल कर जाने वालों
चंद खिलोनों के खोने से ,बचपन नहीं मारा करता.

लाखों बार गगरिया फूटी,
शिकन ना आई पर पनघट पर
लाखों बार किश्तियाँ डूबी ,
चहल पहल वोही है तट पर.
तम की उम्र बराने वालों , लोह की आयु घटाने वालों
लाख करे पतझर कोशिश पर, सावन नहीं मरा करता है.

लूट लिया माली ने उपवन,
लूटी ना लेकिन गंध फूल की,
तूफानों ने छेरा तक,
खिरकी बंद हुई ना धुल की .
नफरत गले लगाने वालों ,सब पर धुल उड़ाने वालों
कुछ मुख्रों की नाराजी से दर्पण नहीं मारा करता है


छिप छिप अश्रु बहाने वालों
मोती व्यर्थ लुटाने वालों
कुछ सपनों के मर जाने से जीवन नहीं मरा करता है

-गोपाल दास नीरज

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Uncertainity keeps us going!

How perfect would the paths be,
if we possesed the power to foresee.
If we could plan and unplan, accordingly beforehand,
the fear of the future would not be.
 
But the thrill in uncertainity,
keeps us going.
what comes next, keeps us rowing.
The actions that take ,
the mistakes we create ,
only happen when we cant decipher the fate.
 
who wants to be ,in perfect world?
Ofcourse! Me! everyone says.
but that happens when we learn
from whatever it takes.
 
Knowing the past or future may help
but limit you, to your tiny, tiny self.
Play the game by discovering the path,
or use cheat codes to win the attack.
 
Joy of living resides in the unknown,
Living each moment,
and not be drwan, by whats gone.
If I dont know what lies ahead,
no one does as it is said.
 
We all sail in different ships,
far is the coast, and it cant be seen.
Who gets where will be there in the end,
But the proximity depends on your dreams.
 
 

Sunday, October 24, 2010

God and Godliness


What is the difference between God and Godliness? To find an answer we shall have to start with the realization, whether which word is closer to us. Which word do we connect to more than the other? If the word is "God" we are traversing a totally different path than what we would have traversed if we connected to the word "Godliness" more. Both these words seem quite close in meaning and do posses an interdependency.In fact, one is derived from the other, where GOD being the noun and GODLINESS being an adjective, means exhibiting god like attributes.

Being GOD harms us, when we take up the baton of becoming GOD for someone, we have to be perfect.We can not afford to be erroneousness at any level. Its always like an examination that we have to sit for, and failing is no option. The world is either black or its white and if it becomes black for even once the pedestal is snatched back from us.We no more remain THE GOD, we become The Devil. We end up loosing all rights to be the GOD ever again as GOD's are not supposed to commit any mistakes.Therefore being GOD means, there is no going back.

A safer bet on the other hand is to practice GODLINESS, the expression of an idea of inner piety, spiritual maturity. A state of mind which exhibits qualities of divinity. Yes, there always remains a chance to slip back, we can now act "god" and guide and then after all, commit mistakes.There is no check or any bondage on your actions. Possessing godliness is like being revered by others without any expectations. This attribute of godliness is whole heartedly welcomed and is felt proud of by our fellow mates,there is no exam instead its added topping for our personality package.

There shall always persist a struggle to achieve the godliness in our personality, as this struggle is not as intense as becoming GOD but yet it enjoys the fruits of the other. This struggle to achieve godliness is easier to win over and if we slip back there are infinite chances.As this attribute resides within us, we just need to polish it out and bring it forth, act and follow tenaciously.If we try this we would realize that number of times we commit mistakes goes down increasingly when we attain godliness, as then it becomes a part of our personality and we become a part of it. Unlike when we act GOD, we become someone else and then falter in numerously.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Endless Impatience

How time just doesn't fly...
I know we have mentioned the vice versa
A numerous times,
But today the time just doesn't fly.

The wait is endless ,
and Patience was always scarce.
Its difficult more ,
As the onset was even more blare!

Nothing is a matter of life and death
but yet it seems life is standing so still
Decisions aren't made so easy I may say,
I know all the reasons but here on the other side,
I am almost on the kill.

Why cant i stride the way i want.
In a minute i'll be here and the 2nd somewhere
I want to live in two worlds together
Missing either is not something care .

Always thought of growing age,
and if time, could stop by.
but today i curse everyone
who doesn't want that time should fly.




Friday, October 22, 2010

Should you believe?


Since past two days I am thinking and rethinking the concept of believing. What does this word signify - Believe in something . What is this act of "believing" making you do . It makes you instill trust and all the faith in something. A deep sense of superficial relationship is made to establish. We have in long run believed in almost everything, specially things that have no existence.The absence of explanation to events, creatures and actions makes us believe in the non existent. We create a fictional character to believe in. To give it all the powers and to give it the responsibility of everything that is taking place around us. It's so easy to believe in something that doesn't exist. You don't need any explanations to back it or give any kind of reasoning. The existence of everything around inexplicable, is so magnificent, and unmoving that if some one , even if a fictional character is given the responsibility of it existence, it become a powerful character to have a believe in. There arises no question to question the existence of this belief , as there exists no valid counter points to weaken this un-daunting blind trust. In fact this belief has done wonders in changing people from what they were to what they are. It made some leaders and has made some the followers. This believe has become so deep rooted that it made the saint a murderer and a murderer a saint. There is nothing wrong in believing, it helps you achieve a lot more that you think you could. Well of course it shows a new found path which you have to traverse now, with new experiences with new learning, but have you ever thought are these learnings your own? These mistakes are your own? They have occurred because you believed in something, these mistakes occurred because you chose to follow a blind belief . The path that was taught to you.The path that you followed, that made you create errors and then learn from them. But, I think the mistake occurred when you started following. You started believing in order to find explanations to things, but the fundamental deep rooted explanation to your belief is "a belief" in itself. It is a belief with no logical backing. So how in the world do you think it can give you answers. To get one answer, you have to support your belief, and in order to support your belief you have to create that many more fictions.
It then becomes an infinite loop of fictional non explanations.Where you just keep hiding or crawling in order to find your way to the light.




Have we ever thought no matter how much we do believe, we still long for the explanation for the existence of things. As no reasoning is complete we keep travelling endlessly in search for the truth, trying to avoid the basic flaw in the establishment of theory of believing.

I suggest in not believing in believing, believing a faking game! The Leader want you to believe in them, to achieve the fictional. He expects you to follow him to get all the answers. But have you ever wondered what made him do this. How did he end becoming a leader.Was he a follower ever?If yes , then he could not be a leader. He is today a leader and had thousands of followers only because he believed in his own self. I am not against the leaders they are in no way wrong! they have all the explanations no doubt, of course they have, as they believed in themselves.They did not pursue following, they objected, they were rebellious, they were against the establishment of fictional beliefs themselves. And they created there own , they made they own ways , and they created there own fictions to satiate their longing-ness to the inexplicable instead of believing blindly in the already existing. I regard the leader more than the followers , i feel that the followers kill themselves to be someone else. When they follow they try to pretend to be someone they emulate, they try and be the other person and invest all their energies in becoming someone else. They therefore remain followers forever following and cultivating the suicidal path.

If a rose tries to become a lotus , or a lotus tries to become a rose .They shall learn a lot of new things, but about each other and not about themselves. They will have to forget themselves and be the other. They shall invest all their energies into becoming the other. The famous principal of "tarey zameen pe" says Every child is unique-I modify and say not only every child every human being is unique. You shall preserve your uniqueness and evolve from within. But if you invest all you life in believing the inexplainable, following the fictional, you are wasting all your energy in this cloning.

Cloning should not be our aim, Metamorphosis should the be ultimate goal. We shall work on our own self. Bring out our own belief system. Not believe in believing , but instead believe in not believing!
We should make our minds mature enough that we accept the world as it it, laud the nature. live with a omnipotent shapeless power. Eradicate the need for an explanation. And not gift the onus and responsibility of all that occurs to fictional character.If we require, we should look for all explanations within us and work towards blooming our own rose or lotus in the most perfect way.We should all strive to become leaders and not misguide people to be followers. Appreciate people who do things differently.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

"Your Name" - The Jewel closest yet farthest from you

Its most certain that you could guess what my favorite alphabet is going to be... S!
you might think its because of my name, it start with S and so the Letter....and therefore my favorite. but to bring the truth out in the open, its just the other way round. Me being the narcissist, love every part of me because it is that way. But when it comes to my name , knowing that it was kept, by my parents without putting much thought, i might not have liked it so much with a ring of "taps" in it .But the reason it belongs to me more than anything else , courtesy the alphabet S.

You some how grow with name, it may be one of the 1st sane things you learn about your own self. One of the 1st things that make you interact with the world. In spite of the fact that it being the identity that stays with you, travels with you, is you, is something that you can not take credit for.Its given to you by your parents with love.you accept it over the years and start to connect with it.
You know when you name is being called in the role call in the class, its you. You turn around when a friend calls over. But have you ever sat with your own self and repeated you name over 20 time without any reason just to realize, its you!Try it. Well I have experienced it and can say that it is the time when you start connecting to yourself. You take the 1st step of feeling the real you.I know many would disagree with this concept of name affecting your personality. I do have doubts myself whether being ARJUN makes you life as miserable as it was for the real "Arjun". But i do strongly believe in its corollary, i believe connecting to yourself starts when you connect with your name.

I doubt if many people follow this approach because its like "the name" is for the outer world. People know you by it . Thats you identity,but it is for the rest to know and call you. They see you as person "XYZ" because thats your name.But how often do we call ourselves? A very successful psychological therapy makes you talk to your own self. By calling your self with your name with confidence and hope in voice. It make you instill in your own self the faith and courage. Just by speaking to your own self and exclaiming yourself by your own name you can do wonders.thats the power in your name, no matter what is means. Very few times do we realize, that something we are so close to, "our name", something that is only ours, is actually something we never paid attention to..it just stays on and on with us and we choose to ignore the surmounting untapped power that resides in it.

When i did that myself, the ring was different.I felt i was a different person when I hear my name being called out by others and i was different person as I called it out to myself over and over again. World around me wouldn't have accepted that disparaging attitude of mine towards my name when it bought me face to face with person with the same name. She was a person i spent maximum time with my friend from graduate school. My name was no more mine.It was her's and i wasn't jealous at all. I have not tried, since then, the closure exercise of being close to my name because now i exactly knew how it sounded like, how it felt like when i say it loud or shout it out. I had all the liberty to do all all that i wanted to without being tagged as an insane person who repeats her name herself. This was because it was no more my name. It was her's or may be our name. I dont know if she ever pondered on this, but the feeling was mutual. Its a rare and I must say a very different feeling to hang out all day long with a person when you call each other with same name.

I have had moments when i have felt far or close to my name. But one thing i could never let go was the love for my alphabet S. That was something which I had established that even though its a part of mine as well as many others name, it had what i loved, the style. I dont know how you would find it, but the reason is the shape i love the alphabet for its shape. I love the alphabet for its sound...the phonetic .I love the alphabet for its artistic sense of taking different forms.I love the alphabet as its so feminine, and above all i love it as its in my name.



Sunday, September 19, 2010

Is there really something called the INTUITION?

Have you ever wondered if intuition is a real power—that mysterious ability to know things without consciously reasoning — or is it just a myth? Some people say that zodiac signs, like Scorpios, are particularly gifted with intuition. I’m not sure if I’m one of them, despite being a Scorpio myself. Could it be that our signs somehow influence how we perceive intuitive feelings? Or is it simply a coincidence?

I tend to believe that intuition might be less divine intervention and more about subconscious reactions. Sometimes,before facing a situation, our mind seems to make a quick guess, an implicit response that shapes our perceptions. It’s like an initial intuition that nudges us—an instinctive reaction we aren’t fully aware of—that prepares us for what's to come.

When we face a challenge, we often try to mentally prepare ourselves. We imagine the possible outcomes, breathe through our fears, and immerse ourselves in different scenarios. We experience the anxiety and hope, and when the event unfolds as we predicted, we say, “I knew it—I had an intuition.”

But how many times do we truly recognize when a positive outcome has happened? Usually, we’re so overwhelmed with happiness that we don’t reflect on whether we anticipated it. Success feels natural; we wanted it, and it’s welcome. We rarely look back and think, “Did I sense this was coming?” The answer often lies in our subconscious mind, which might have already processed it.

On the flip side, if things go wrong, we remember the doubts and fears we had beforehand. That “dip” we took into negativity or worry becomes our silent guide. In this way, intuition can sometimes be a reflection of our anxieties rather than a divine gift.

I believe that having intuition is, in essence, an honest admission of our own fears and biases. It’s like a mental rehearsal—considering all possible outcomes very quickly to prepare ourselves. If we’re confident and optimistic, we don’t need to dwell on these premonitions; we simply accept the result and keep moving forward. When we win, we feel victorious, and there's no need to look back or second-guess ourselves.

But if we lose, it’s as if we already knew. We’ve lived the loss in our mind beforehand; we’ve prepared for that disappointment. So, in a way, intuition might just be our subconscious trying to warn us or prepare us—be it for success or failure.

Now, how useful is it to constantly think ahead, to fear the worst, or to fixate on negative possibilities? Wouldn’t it be better to stay positive, be a “Pollyanna,” and trust that good things will happen? Perhaps our energy is better invested in optimism rather than worry.

In the end, does knowing or feeling that you have an intuition really change how you respond when things happen? Usually not. You still get disappointed, or you still celebrate—what matters is how you handle it in real-time. The reassurance that “I knew it all along” often comes only after the fact.

Maybe the truth is that our subconscious prepares us—whether for victory or defeat—long before we’re consciously aware of it. So, why get caught up in the game of second-guessing? Instead, focus on being a positive, resilient person. Feel your emotions, accept surprises, and leave behind the limiting notion of a “fearful Cassandra” warning us of doom.

After all, life is unpredictable. Embrace it with an open heart—whether you call it intuition, instinct, or just your inner voice—and trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.






Saturday, September 18, 2010

Living among the dead.


The green fronds coming out of the lifeless shrubs nearby a wrecked pavement, made me think why was i even forced to look at it by the will of god when i was driving .It caught my eye, and i was stuck. what ran through me i don't know and in no time i took out my deceptive looking cheap camera phone and took its picture.

You don't find it beautiful? I care less about the beauty, this one instilled in me an immediate spasm of strength .a hope to live among to dead. the spring of hope to make a living without any support. this one dint care what its immediate surrounding depicted, in order to turn the environment as its reflection its sprung up green all day long, trying to manage the stiffness in the absence of any sign of support, water or soil. it stood there, glowing like as if nothing had gone wrong. Do we in real life get carried away by environment and surrounding circumstances. Do we at most times let them over power our positive ray hope? what is it? A simple bush could does in life and we just give in but don't even quit completely! Life is all about standing still till it just slips away and you don't even get to know its gone . whats the point sitting and waiting for it to go, when you yourself can still go all around it. There is nothing wrong in living when you stand still and keep fighting. But hell shall break loose if you sit and try to live for the sake of it, waiting to die -half wrecked.
some sane intelligence is portrayed by those plants, the dead chose to die and greener chose to live, and none affect each others state of mind!
Don't we have something to learn from everything:)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Chalaati Ke Naam Gaali!


Well she is a girl and that is her fault. And if she drives a car she commits a sin. She would get all the tough looks, she would get fingers, the frowns, even if she is standing in the lane which is stand still, the heads will turn and say "What is your problem WOMEN?".

Of course this country will never grow out of the ecclesiastical views, wherein women cant speak, cant dance, cant work,cant drink and cant smoke.Sadly the country has a women president. The society and specially the 'Men' of the society feel moreover that the car was invented for them. They have all the right! Its their property.there might be a learner sitting inside and driving one, but he still has the right, which by the way is god gifted one to lay his hand off from the steering, turn around at her in anger, tilt the fingers of his hands and say "What?"What are you doing?ha?".

Yes i understand the belief that women are bad drivers. though this is a self inflicted one,may be this belief emerged as self defense and "safeguarding your right to drive" tactics, but sadly they have managed to make this belief widely accepted and is working good enough.But for one moment even if i do believe women are bad drivers,i would like to blame it on Men . In fact who taught them how to drive.Well as of now, in support of my argument I haven't seen any female learners driving school trainer.So to put the statement the other way, i understand women have learnt driving from bad teachers, they have been perceived as impatient, rash and confused drivers who break at the butt of the car in front.but, On the contrary men aren't great as well!
Men having to posses the license to drink without being victimized by societies moralistic views drive rash enough to barge into each other and take lives.Men with an innate passion to rally race wait for the wee hours of the day to try out that as well and conveniently run down many pedestrians.Men drivers are dreaded no less than the old feared Red line buses. All men might not be the best drivers but they are generalized as good ones, no wonder women drivers in spite of exceptions of those who come over the bad training, are considered as bad ones.

Although majority play a major role in making conclusions, women have found their way to reply each and every question asked to them when it comes to driving.But now they as well have one to ask ,When Men can drive with a cigarette in hand, then why can't women while putting the lipstick on. Well why not women after all, is an accepted fact by men as well are good at Multi tasking.

An average male driver is considered as good driver, and all the rest,odd even- are average.All the women drivers are considered as bad drivers, and the good ones -barely average. Its hard to accept that she can drive,and to be the part of mockery in making are even those have no idea of the driving wheel what so ever.Well Men, I must say are a super constipated case of over confidence, that even before they learn how to drive they already know they would be better than this women. Anyway even if thats not the case why loose a chance to laugh out loud.

He is driving wrong way, bang on opposite. overtaking in single roadway, totally on the flaw side, feeling like a mouse already while driving wrong side.doing what he should not have done, but he is brave man and this was his pet toy that he can maneuver anywhere posing inconvenience to the car coming from the front.He knows he has done a mistake and may be he is sorry, therefore he sticks his eye right in front not wanting to face that fraction of a second, where even by mistake he would have to look into the eyes of the one driving the car coming from from front.Somewhere he is damn scared.But the man in him wakes forth like a devil as soon as he sees the women driving the car in front. Before she could say anything or prove him wrong.before he could be felt like penny by a women, he shouts back at her! what the hell !

No matter how wrong men are, they are always right in front of a women.
And when you do shout back, the look that says get lost get lost, is not just demeaning but its the look that probably helps them spread the belief women are bad drivers.That look helps them satisfy the ego, no matter what we do we rule this arena.


When a man sees man doing the same thing they saw women doing any where while driving. They would think twice to say anything , or express emotions. May be these emotions don't even exist or just casually fade away, but they do stir up, the emotions of resentment and hatred come as ignited by the sniff of irritation just by seeing a women drive. A comment that could ideally be ignored if it was any one of the same league, but it becomes totally unavoidable if be the other sex.

I feel, poor"she" is always standing in the court of "Judicial law of traffic and Women".She is supposed to answer every look,reply back to every verbal abuse, every hand movement. Its not as if they are saying"what are you doing lady?" its as if they are asking "why the hell are you driving?".


Saturday, September 4, 2010

Thankfull???


Just talked to a friend of mine.He told me that they are sitting just few meters away, and they could see his face, while he was sitting in cold outside just because after months he got an internet connection on phone.My heart sank when i had to tell him i was watching sa re ga ma pa at zee.I had to hear "there is no TV no Electricity here".I told him he should not worry, he was an engineer and he would get a job when he get back home, anytime he got bored or sacred!but i was shocked to see the strength in his words when he said i am going to take them one on one. I am just waiting for an opportunity.I told him not to worry, and he replies I am not worried at all.I am happy here at14000 feet.I am happy here, where there are no roads. i don't want to come back!but yes, I just miss friends at times.

I don't know weather he was happy to know that friends that he missed, might be as far as they are now, even if he, would have been here.but he kept saying he talks to his mom twice a week,but he misses college friends.

Someone as naughty as him i could never imagine would land up there possessing that attitude, brave and firm.He asked with a shock who told you the fight is not on!!!Its on and and it stays on. probably he already had an arm in is hand while he was typing to me.He said, he has to stay alert all the while, he can not afford he reflexes take rest. Somewhere he also sounded happy that he dint pay so much attention to those college classes.A brat i must say he was at college, but one of the few polite ones.No one could be more PROUD i say... those teachers who scolded him. or may be students like me who thought he actions would not do any good.As that was past and this is present.He is at a place which would make the president look like a penny!He is where 99% of the population has no balls to be at. A thin 56 kg boy says he has enough strength to nail down anyone with an infiltrating eye.

I really don't know what made me write this today, i was touched after we like talked for 1 hour over chat. i was worried that he should get back as he was in cold but may be he was ON for night as well.While i had to go back to sleep and he wished me :"Good Night": for sweet dreams in my cushion bed some where in town of Delhi.He kept was relishing he little time on the bleak internet connection that got on there

Its said and it true we salute them, atleast i do!and not on those days when the whole country njoys a holiday . i salute them after such incidences.Where i was all enthralled by some reality show on TV and an hour later i am questioning every breath i take now asking was i ever thankful???

Jai Jawan!!!!!!!


professional or fake?

When I sit around people who I don't dislike, in fact they are the ones I spend the maximum time with, in the whole day. I look at them, and I admit I have to smile, I say "I have to" because it does not come from within implicitly. What is it? How come with people whom you don't meet for months, you strike a better cord. Your old friends, your friends from childhood and high school. How come they are the easier lot to get along with. They are not even in touch with you, they don't even know what is going on in your life's, but when they do meet you they are updated in a minute and they say what you want to hear. If I ask why is it that the people we spend the maximum time of our lives, from morning to evening when we work together, we cant connect to them the way we connect to the rest.

How can I be a different person all day long. Speak calculatively, run the filter mechanism before uttering a word . I cant be my controversial self. I cant be what my rest of the friends think I am > "A Super High Woman". Why does professionalism have to change me. Or is that "The Changed Me" called the professional me??

What amazes me is how i am so changed just for these few hours of the day. I have a dead thick skin, enough so not to change me to the core. But this transition-i dint try for it, i just don't have to work towards it at all. It comes on to me, takes over me naturally.


I can talk the whole day,but not on what is on my mind. That I shall do when i get out sit in my car and call up and blurt out, vomit out and then drive back safely.
But yes, i can talk on anything you want me to talk about, on things that do not matter and on things that do matter but to you(May be thats just me).

I was just wondering how people leave one by one and you don't mis them either.you don't miss the absence,you accustom yourself to the place and work and not the people.its unbelievable how a man as a social animal can not be connected to humans more than work.you need people around but they can be replaced by any, it dose not matter.What is important is they should be there when you work.

Competition kills your friendship.it just doesn't let it blossom , you never know your good friend (as you thought ) might be a very good actor.The life is different for those hours. You are tagged as colleagues and that spoils the show. Any other place where this tag would not exist I would have had wonderful people to stay in touch with for life, outside the premises of that building it could be better, but inside -time is not everything.it heals nothing, it breaks nothing, it has no existence at all.No matter how much time you do spend, inside the building -everything is colleagues- under one arms distance of thoughts!

Well the question is weather this is professionalism? If it is- then why does it have to change me.and if you claim i am the same,see me as a quick learner or may be a quicker unlearn'er.you only see one side of me at a time. That is probably the only time I avoid multi tasking! I don't know weather I want to unlearn this lesson of change in -change out. I am going good. Somewhere it does not bother me. Well of course I am not the only one. The feeling is likewise amongst everyone of us. What made me write this today is may be, my over expressive personality, a highly agitated and a controversial soul that i may call myself, does a kind of meditation the whole day in the most important hours. But when i do break the fast of my meditating resting soul.It feels like a quitting smoker just got his fag in the end of the day!

Friday, August 27, 2010

where did they go??

Since the time face book kicked into my life, it has forced me into doing some wonderful things..... my love for pictures have increased multi folds as I know these would be swamped with comments good and bad. ha!new games to learn , meet oldest of friends just to see how they look like now.....most of all , i was forced to think about what I am doing or thinking right now, so that i could update my status message telling world in few words my real state of mind, and then to find yourself not alone again as there they are your friend either liking your state of mind or commenting on it to find out more.

Its great way to stay in touch! no wonder! but my addiction to fb made me think while i was driving back home .A reality check ran through me.I realized that fb was so essential for me that no one else other than people who are on my list on fb are my world. and i had conveniently kicked out the rest, just because they are not a profile click away.

I mean now we have n number of modes of communication existing subliminally ,unlike the old days where efforts were visible when it came to staying in touch by writing letters.Its so easy now if we try in our age to stay in touch but we choose to ignore. don't we know we have the numbers of at least 2 to 3 people always in our calling list whom we want to call and get back and update as they choose not be on fb. but eventually we never end up calling them up.

My friendship with few has faded away, and somewhere I blame it my new found fondness to old acquaintance who randomly pop up to my profile, comment, view,like and go away. I am missing the essentially of the real friends in the name of being in touch with every body!you go like Kho!and you touch and we are there.Its funny that I am loosing more because of fb than find new!!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Working with your Spirituality


I have seen what spirituality does to you; I have personally gone through two different ways! And they were not just plain different they were poles apart. It was a difficult shift, a change from one to the other, a change which is responsible for my metamorphosis. Like if people doubt the process of proselytization, I would disagree partially. I vouch for its powerfulness, provided the subject is willing to follow. When I say follow, I don’t mean blindly. The intent and the willingness to change does the needful. A good convert process also depends a lot on dedication with which the missionary keeps pursuing your nascent actions. A guide is required who is not just well read and experienced but has extremely high level of logical reasoning. Its more like a battle which you have with yourself, questioning your sense of judgment as to why you followed something before which you now perceive as flawed, and weather what you want to put your foot into now is worth the agonizing drift.

People, parents and society - question your belief, which in turn gives your chance to negotiate harder, why? Why should I change my spiritual way? Is what you ask yourself? It’s as if faith is being sold out. At this time my friend “the pursuing” makes all the difference. It is what keeps you in the loop, and still keep questioning.



What I don’t understand is why someone would spread or eventually impose their spirituality on others? What good does it earn? Spreading of the law for sure does not ensure abundant good luck if they have that in mind, and well if you have received the talisman, why would you want to leak out the secret that nobody other than you know of as yet. The notion I don’t approve of is, that the propagation of the law becomes the mission of their life. Probably it is the sheer dedication towards your faith and religion which I can not connect to.



I believe in flexibility of thoughts, I see religions and spiritual philosophies overlapping each other. None, so stringent that they drive you into things, which hold no importance. I want to know more and delve in depths, I choose to adopt that I want to. They say there is no point until you follow all the rules and regulations, my contrary point view shall be that the bite of an apple is good enough to judge the taste of the fruit. I have enjoyed the reasoning of one and the other. The stories and rituals for either, and I have questioned my existence as a believer of both, time and again. In the spiritual world of overlapping territories and touching tangents, there is thin line which blind folded believers cross, they land up in fields of religion. Stuck in vicious practices, in the name of law. Scared, to open eyes, no matter even if the brave ones try, they would again be forced to shut them. But sadly, this is not how is it should be, this is not how the environment work’s, everything in the environment has a reasoning, a logic, and not a story, but the problem is not every one knows that reasoning and logic, everyone just know the story.

Philosophy of life should drive you to explore life, may be after a class of basics. Follow what suits you out of the set. Follow what you have reasoning for, “Follow in order to Lead your Life”. There is nothing wrong in changing some rules, after you experienced something and you learnt from it, as a sane human you might not repeat it, even if, not repeating the act goes against your spiritual morals. My point here is, that these do’s and don’ts were listed by men as an inference of their experiences. They did not test the veracity of these principals on every human, did they? How many test cases do you think they must have run in order to pass them as law, which can invariably be applied to all under every circumstance? Change is the only constant thing, and what course these life philosophies take over the period of years is dependent totally on these constant changes and experiences. I have always looked forward to mould my spiritual self in favor of the thought that impresses my inquisitive mind, and the thought which answers my queries, affects my way of thinking from the very next time. Whatever soothes you mind enough, even what releases you from the shackles of rituals, is spirituality for you.




Its not what you believe in, it is how you believe in a thing that makes all the difference, even you if you pray earnestly to a Cola Cola Bottle, it works. Prayer makes all the difference. Prayer not to anyone outside not even cola cola bottle, your prayer to the within, the inner darkness, the fundamental black hole. Prayer illuminates you, you need no sholkas or listen to any stories or wear any rings. What you need to do is just sit with yourself and talk with no voice, and listen without hearing. Explore yourself, sort thing out, accept the mess, take responsibility, make a list, plan your day and then wake to live as you thought. When you enter this state of knowing yourself you would love people around and the environment more than before, it is an implicit love for the surroundings, because they play a role in accomplishing what you planned. Believing earnestly in what you pray for is my way of spirituality.

Where mind is without fear ... where fetters are broken .....and my insolence is revered . You are welcome !!!