I don’t know if I should hate the experience . but I hated the sight , I hated the time when I was thinking what might be going on in the minds of the parents of the girl .
The parents with their daughter have travelled long distance to meet the boys family , almost ready to accept proposal .They come in with the optimistic attitude but the attitude changes eventually after they see the reactions of the prospective boys family , the reactions they get to see are not bad or offensive but yes, not optimistic as much as with what the girls family had arrived . and from that moment onwards I start feeling the awkwardness in the air .
How can the her parents act like that , what makes them act like as if they are selling a product . I am not angry but I am feeling pity on them. they don’t deserve it , that feeling should be of being proud , the girl says "yes" to the proposal may be because of the parents pressure,her dad has retired and is not keeping well . I felt yesterday she has no power or a stand with BA , MA and all higher studies in best possible education modes , she is still helpless , in no way can she say no! though she is being asked by all, but it’s like well rehearsed! she just cannot be expected to say "no"!
She has to accept ! she says “whatever is good and you think is right for me shall be my decision”. I hate the exhibitionism of women in order to get them married, she could not speak but of course burst out into tears sitting in front of about 15 people , a timid girl , being gawked at by all but the perspective boy. parents trying to push and strike a chord . “ of yes she can talk” of yes she can cook “ oh she can dance ! Wah! Why can’t she speak for her own self. May be if she does she would be thought of as too modern and if she doesn’t she looks like a commodity that is being sold .and on top of that if there has been no conformance from the boys side . the girl’s parents are almost broken .
It’s like they stand nowhere after crossing a distance of miles in hot summer afternoon . trying to smile even at a time they are scared to hell and then going back with no positive sign at all..
I hate it. i am disturbed and I feel helpless as I can’t do anything about this antediluvian process which can never be changed .
I respect women for leaving their life behind their parents their studies their room their friends their books their dresses their relatives their life their dreams , and stand there to be accepted and taken into a house where she knows no one !just for the sake of being taken!
The way she used to talk to parents she can’t now may just on phone . it’s more like a dog when its left for a day home when his owner goes out to work . he has no choice but to go.. he doesn’t know where is he being left , he just trusts his master . he believes no one is going to hit him there … he just believes the day school would as good as home , he would eat drink play just like home… he doesn’t ask or question just stays there for the day sitting there at the corner finding out that nothing is alike.
Worse in the case of a girl. She stays there for life .
I was a staunch feminist . but after this event may be I feel no one should have a girl child , because what the girl has go through at this stage of life (I know it’s a part and parcel of life , but still)and primarily because parents don’t deserve to behave the way they do just to give their daughter away !!! It’s a big insult for the daughter to see them that way! Peace Out!
6 comments:
It's good one... But, i just wanna ask you one thing... Do u really think, its happening nowadays, especially in Metro Cities... Even I've seen girls in Non Metro, who are easily rejecting proposals, if not fine... Check it once again... :)
I will leave out much that you have written for some other day but stress my point on ''timidity''.
Timid is a timid whether in her own house or her new house after marriage .
You are comparing girl with a cattle or domestic pet .Generalization is the end of argument .It is her choice how she wants her to be treated .If she is timid in her father's house & never learnt from life ,it is highly unlikely she is going to be any different in her husband;s family .
Then timidity creates other problems too .A timid person either becomes too irritating or extra nice.A timid becomes totally self-centered .The niceness or the aggression is a mask a timid wears all the time .This is what creates problems .A timid is never a genuine person ,he/she is forever fighting within with people he/she holds responsible .But one thing is sure ,a timid will never put responsibility on himself .
In my life ,I have seen timids ,both males & females .And both are not easy to tolerate .Timid persons ,men & women both ,want to control others through aggression or by being extra nice & caring ,but people around them see through their masks .As a result they are not able to make even a single meaningful relation throughout life .
For a timid ,parental or in-law's house has no meaning ,he/she cannot adjust in either .
@ashok - when i say timid it is a situational timidity!that scenario that awkwardness of being checked out! if you are right or not . in the air of being accepted by just any !i am talking not about girls who are forever bold and courageous. m talking about that clique which accepts and give in .. and how they make the others feel . specially their own parents
@vineet - i understand this is rarely happens.. specially in well educated families, its not about metros or cities.but there are still girls who act like that may they are timid.or shy . or are afraid of the marriage scenario! but this situation makes every girl jitter. and personalities which are not very strong become a prey of such kind of situation .
You must look deeply into fundamental notions about boy's /girl's family,man vs woman ,marriage institution.
The way you sympathize with that girl ,without even knowing what exactly was going on in her mind,but simply guessing, suggests you are projecting your own fears on to the girl.
It means you must check your own assumptions first.
If you assume that girl's family is obsequious to boy's ,you are more likely to consider yourself as cattle or slave .
Note it is nothing to do with education .
I have seen educated & modern girls behaving as if her family has to perennially appease the boy;s family .She is not sure of herself & therefore feels she needs constant care from her own family with all her demands.
What is required is emotional maturity,sincerity ,integrity so essential in any relation .
Boy comes riding on a horse with a sword tucked by his side as if on war ,no doubt he carries the dowry as spoils of victory with girl as bonanza.
Problem is girl & her family have accepted these outrageous assumptions ,the girl is being given as an offering along with the dowry .If you accept this as something inevitable ,take it from me you are not far from being a cattle .
Further what makes you say ''you respect women for leaving their family,relations,rooms ,clothes ,books,dreams,relatives,....''.
You think they should !!!!! why ????Are you going into an imprisonment ???You want to respect women for such non-sense .
Who is asking you to forget ?? And why should you think it is right to forget.??
Why are you taking certain assumptions as truth ??
Even before someone asks you to bend a bit ,you will readily crawl ,you find boy's family so supreme that you will prostrate before them & utter ''am so thankful that you have accepted this non-entity in you midst ,I along with my family will stay obliged for ever ,on my part I assure you that I will forget everything that I called mine including my mother-tongue & learn your langauage .''
Check you paradigm ,you are utterly wrong somewhere.
Always maintain your dignity .
I recently read a book ,,''story of my marriage '' by Chetan Bhagat who married a south indian girl.
It is not a nuanced book but a graphic one simply recording the events without getting any wiser,full of banalities,except one episode that I liked .
Before their marriage ,both tried quite hard to get their families like each other but failed miserably .In one such meeting the girl's family was insulted .
The girl refused to talk to the boy ,would not take his call,and boldly break the relation ---it went on so long that the boy ...Chetan became a metal-wreck .
Hats off to that girl who did not sacrifice her dignity since she did not accept the assumption that girl's family is subservient to boy's.
Go into marriage with this dignity ,
So leave aside your education & work on your faulty assumptions .
At the end of day ,every one likes an emotionally mature ,honest ,sincere person not the artificially pleasing & self-effacing one .
I know it's a part and parcel of life"...i cant believe you said that. Its a parcel that you bring upon your own self. The parcel can be freedom from the shackles of traditional derogation against women, but you rather choose a parcel of a disdainful practice that brings nothing but shame to you and your family. Its not societies fault. Its not even the fault of the system. It's your fault.
Its probably the worst way of getting married be it a boy or a girl. I remember going to such an "exhibition" to get bride for my cousin. My entire clan, in 4 hired SUV's went for the exhibition. It looked more like some gang of goons on a hafta vasooli mission and there were only 5 people from the girl's family. I tried to put myself in my cousin's shoes and I really found it pretty awkward. If he does like the girl(he only had 10 mins of chat with her in another room) then its fine. But what if he doesn't, its seen as an insult to the girl's family and so the pressure is on the guy too to say yes even he doesn't like her that well. The prospect of girl and boy meeting on their own is also not acceptable to many families even in the metro cities. I feel its a way of exercising control by the elders.Why should my aunt or uncle decide which girl is good for me. My mom freaks out on prospect of me finding my own bride(although I haven't been successful in that!!!).
I feel its like any other social issue and young people should stand up against it as this only is going to affect them in the long run.
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