Mini Golfing

A game, a new one. Something meant for a different set of people, affluent and rich and I played it. Not intending to say i have become rich and have nothing else to do, but went ahead with my friends to try a mini version of it.Golf is the game. It funny what i thought about the game changed my perspective about over the trail from the 1st hole to the 18th one. I hated the game and was a firm believer it requires no brain and is waste of time. but it turned out to be pretty fun. It was useless at the 1st attempt , as I had absolutely no clue how to aim at that hole far away in a weird way looking from above. I have always played carom and there is way u aim. u close on eye and make an aim. and u strike ahead. but this was very funny in its own way . its about speed u hit and the angle u hit but without aiming. u hit by looking from above but the ball slides away to the hole. and slowly i piked up from the next hole on wards. I loved the game eventually though wasnt such a time waste i now know why affulent people love go play it. 

Sometimes

sometimes i wish , sometimes i pray,
sometimes i ask, sometimes everything is grey.
i wish before everything else could i could walk with you on the street
the street i wished i will walk with you. even though it looks its forever.
but still there is nothing that makes me believe never...
I know things take time and i envy feeling or possession i shall have in future already,
Not many would have done that. the feeling of being jealous of your future.but i live that feeling every moment joyously.
All i do is i pray, because i know i shall have whatever i say.
Its great to experience everything every journey. but i feel it with a sense incompleteness.
As i know i will be there again with you. the real happiness resides in experiencing
smiling around you and jumping around u.
Wish you were here. even before i can think you would be.

My treasure : The Pictures!

When days pass you just tend to forget what you have been doing in the past times, days and years. People always make fun of the fact that I take so many pictures where ever I go. While sitting or eating, walking or even while sleeping, maybe I am too attached to my life, and that’s why I want to keep every moment that I live, very close to me. I know these moments will never come back, but I had a sheer pleasure to be able to live these is greatest feeling and I want to capture them and hope when I see these pictures again I will be able to live them again. It’s easy to live things at moment and then forget about them, but if u possess a memory that weak you might as well make effort in the present to capture the instance with picture or better a video to revive that memory in future. You might not be able to re live it, but it’s your life and these things help in never letting you forget those precious moments. Like when people break up and they want to delete all pictures, it’s the same thing! I agree with the concept. You should do that if you don’t want to remember someone.. you should delete all the remains you have of that person or times together. As,  if you do not do that at that moment, no matter how much you try to forget, if you come across pictures or belongings you will remember most of the moments of the relationships. Well when talking about breakups, not all breakups are that bad if you don’t regret the relationships, then might as well keep the memories. You can see I am strictly against deleting pictures, unless things are really bad, because for me it’s your freaking life, you have lived it, why would you want to forget it.

Pictures would not be as successful in making you live life again, but they can make you brush up and remove the dust over that feeling and remind you of your life, and make you believe its not that a waste , that you think like it is at the end of an era. That is one feeling I have after every 5 years when I listen to more interesting stories about lives of people and their experiences, good for them they have really great memory and they relish this without capturing and narrate and spread the message in form of stories. Bad for me I become jealous, like my second nature, and tend to question my life, what have I been doing dude??? Looking at people and thier life’s like that, the only rescue for me is to get back home and see my old pictures, Where I LOOK HOTTER :P and lived and done as much fun , and some times more fun than other people. My picture database is something I treasure, it’s my biggest depression come back, thanks to advent of mobile phones it’s not that difficult anymore, now its not just about the touristy places that get clicked with the digital cameras. My phone helps me click the best of yogurt I have had and record a beautiful song sung by a guitarist at a Mexican restaurant. It literally helps me capture every moment of my life. I Wish like how Shubham keeps a “N”number of hard disks, (you see the alphabet N , you see it’s in capitals!!!) I want to emphasize really, he has “N” number of hard disks full of movies. I want to keep all the collection of my pictures of life safe in the hard disks, and these can be N+1, I do not mind.

My father says don’t love life so much, the only reason you are afraid of death is you love your life so much and stay so attached to it, you cling it. BUT, I am not afraid of death probably, I know I m living my life to best I can and I have proofs of that in form of these pictures. Any moment, if death shall take me I wouldn’t be afraid, no matter how attached I am to  life at present, I will cling on to death then for good.

180 days of faith! begin.

Its amusing to me that how one of the best conversations i have ever had, ( when i say best i mean interesting and the conversations in which i spend all the time i have and i still feel "dint we just start talking about it") are the ones which start from talking about personalities and stupidly enough about start signs. I get really excited if some one i am talking to is a scorpion too. Today the same things happened, this wasn't the 1st time when some one told me i am weird in a good way. I have always believed in putting forward my point, my thoughts in front of people strongly enough and people just listen and respond you are the 1st girl i have seen who is like that... or may be they would start like you are the 1st girl i have seen who believes in such thoughts..Its always nice to hear those statements, no matter how wrong they sounded right now because i left them open ended but they always sound nice when people say them after hearing me out, and they them with proud smile on thier face. Ok! i might not be making sense by now as to what i exactly wanted to say but yeah its just a nice feeling so i wanted to start with the thought. I was may be singing and working like how i am ... and he said "So Sonal dont you always stay happy", i always see you happy and smiling, I was shocked to hear that. Not that i am always sad. but it funny that my peers feel i am always super happy because i was just normal and working. But that's the truth , I might have my share of sadness and i might crib about stuff that presently going on in life i do appear to the worlds one of most happy people around.And i he just asked my my start sign. I said "Scorpio". As soon i said that there was this affirming smile on my bosses face.He said i knew there was something weird in you that's there in me too. I am also a scorpion. and now i like you more :). With so many instances in past that i have talked to him i have always felt like asking him what was his star sign , not that i believe in it so much. but yes i believe in one thing "The Scorpion Intuition". So like i said mannier times before in discussions with him i have felt probably he is a scorpion, but i never asked. but today may be he had the same intuition when he saw me singing may be. Its just about  karmic connection the discussion got stretched from just start sign and personalities to life and karma and suffering and then my favorite topic of Laws of Attraction in the world and how you can get what you wanted . As i talked about it i realized how weak i had become in my own belief of this philosophy. Some where within me i have given up already . I have started feeling believing in the totally opposite and that is just taking me no where. My mother in the end of the day re affirmed and reminded me that i always said i can get what i want if i really wanted and in past i have proved it, that got it. All i need to do is start believing and from today on wards i re affirm my faith .I start a count down to 180 days of FAITH!!!!Shall keep you posted as i have my prayer well posted!!

One of the best days of my life. though i miss a presence of my loved ones but at this time .. i am alone and i don't share time attention any thing. every feeling , every moment every time is mine.  I don't know what future has in store for me but presently every moment i live i want to capture that completely . I try to open my eyes as wide as i can and capture everything and then close them to store that view or moment for ever.


List of times I have felt Ecstatic.
1.Nitro @ six flags New Jersey

2. Stinson Beach View Point @Northern California SFO

3. Transformer 3D ride @ Universal studios Los Angeles

4. Tubing at Mission Bay San diego
5. The view at Shanon Doa Valley @ Maryland
6. Lurray Cavens @Maryland.
7 The Sky Deck Tower Chicago

Living with family and friends i used to wonder i hardly spend on myself. days and months used to go by when i used to think i haven't bought any chocolate for myself. I did big things with my money but those small things i would buy was always for my friends or family but never went out specially to buy a packet of chips for my own self.
Now Every time i go to a shop i pick a packet of chips and i know i am just buying it for myself.There is no one  else to share it with. Its my purchase of choclate and i have it in my hand not because some gave it to me today but because i felt like it and i had no else to get it for me.Every penny every cent spent is only on me only because there is no else to spend on me. and i am making efforts to fulfill me small relishes.

“When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Higher expectations!

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations... Its been proven time an again. You act with others just as you want others to behave with you. Your behavior towards some one is summation of your personality, your upbringing and a part of it also because of that is how you would want the other to be with you. Alot of times it happens when u think giving a gift to some one, the 1st thing that comes to your mind is something you would like to get. Most of us also go right ahead and do those things for others for we expect them to back to us, primarily because we would love it. A relationship is always about giving and taking. You give in order to expect the same thing from the other . You show hope in others distress in order to expect the other to serve the ray of hope when you are in need. You transfer information to others and tell them about updates in life, and of course to expect they would tell you about their own. But during this phase of give and take , doing action to expect a reaction we forget that that people are different. every one does not think on the same lines. every one has a set of priority list that cast on to. They might not think the future you expect is of importance right now. But you are not wrong in expecting and neither is the other wrong in not giving. The other can also be on this side of table some time and he would also face his own set of disappointments when you do not live up to their expectations. This happens and its healthy, both share each others set of disappointments and life is balanced and healthy.

What screws up the whole situation when you try and impose your expectations on others . when others disappoint you and prove them that you expected something else. You contest the behavior and you explicitly underlay what wanted and have done or said if you were in this position. By laying down your expectation on table you just cement yourself as control freak who would want the other to behave as a robot. when you try and explain them to the other person it comes out as some one who crazy. some one who expects you to behave the way you want them to behave some one who either wants to know everything or some one who either wants to know future. and after asking such predominantly stupid question there area set of answers you would expect. If you do not get those answers or actions from the other you think they committed a crime . The other becomes a criminal because you would have not done the same thing you would have acted the way you expecting the other to act like. But little do we forget we would act like that only because we know what to act like. They are at the beginning our expectations and we ourselves very well know what we want.

Little does the other know that thing is important for you and they need to pay attention towards it just like the way want them to pay attention. Next comes the phase of over explicit explanation of what u require and that kills it all. you are just mocked at and thought of why would you think that the other would do that. you just become this little annoying person who would always search for what you want forgetting the others works in own way.

Trying to fulfill others expectations also brings another episode of changing your personality forward in any relationship. which is worse i do not even want to go there.

All i think and always take away after every disappointment you get is You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you. you are different, like every one else. you might work hard and express in one area the other might to brilliantly well in something else but basing any relationship future on failure of any sort of expectations is wrong. Every one would work around their priority list of actions and causes they have to make. to expect them to make our list as their priority is injustice. Like i said no one is as perfect as you are !

smile...

what happens when u walk down the corridor and you smile..People give back a smile full of belief that they think you are warm. and you smile and exchange a hello and compliment on new hair cut to the lady who makes your coffee everyday... and she gives you a cup brim filled coffee and lets you know.. I hope you like extra shot i gave you one

without you even asking for it

Always Available-Web //// Busy- Real time!

You are not alone anymore and there is not one person around you to keep you from staying alone.I remember the days when i used to walk on the road and listen to music and feel music is my best friend even when i am alone.i was shocked to realize I am a part of this generation who acknowledges more to the other side of the electronic device.I entered and I noticed around 17 people in the college shuttle to just about metro station. I say it would be a journey of 10 min or so..All were sitting equally spaced and many got in together in a group and but chose to sit separately of course because there was enough space in the bus or may be because they dint want to engage in any conversation of any sorts for they had to be busy with the little device in hand the mobile phone!

I don't want to sound like those elderly non techi uptight generation who hate technology and have not been able to accept gadgets in to their life or the ones who really look down upon people who they think are posing to be modern. But sincerely the feeling was so true when I entered i was alone. but to my amazement none in the bus were. one was making a face looking at the Mobile screen , another was smiling looking the mobile screen, one was reading something maybe(i assume), another as typing non stop.They were all in tandem with the outer world, none of them even flipped to look up who is sitting next to them. none of them cared to strike a eye contact with anyone or pass a smile back. they were busy maintaining social contact online. I bet if the other person no matter how random it might be is on the screen of your mobile on your Facebook app you know it all, but if the very next day that alien person enters the same bus and sits next to you, you wouldn't even know.

Probably something that was thought as a gadget to keep people busy, to fill up the emptiness, the void is getting to keep people occupied for no reason. Its making people not look out and see the beautiful ride and pleasant weather while travelling in the bus. Its taking away people skills and adding to their qualifications typing skills. may be with these smartphone getting better everyday what we would eventually loose upon are the people skills.

I dont know how embarrassed i was that i looked up to notice this myself, or what i have done in that respect to not loose my human emotional self in order not to transform into a freak who is "always available" on the other side of the web and never in person.

But i do know i was the part of the same crowd until one fine day my phone battery drained out and i could not help but look around and observe this.

Screwing Affirmation!

Most of the times you end up hurting the one who is closest to you, you find out reasons to trouble and hurt the other, you never see yourself as a sadist, but may be you are. I have reasons why we do it. We do it for something, a reason very starkly opposite to the action exhibited. the reasons may be are purely sadistic but they are for affirmations. Affirmation that are important for us to keep us going. Different are the things when presence is enough for affirmations, the "reasons" that are now are not required when there is presence. The actions that are "now" are not required when there is presence. But to come to think of it the ways might be wrong but the intentions are always correct. Its not easy to deliver affirmations without presence. Its all in the belief and conscience. Its for you to believe , stronger you believe longer you can survive without repetitive affirmations. But its like a vicious circle the belief becomes stronger only after repeated affirmations.Lesser the affirmations lesser the belief. Nothing might be wrong but you would think ways to achieve it and then store it. Time and circumstances can make you selfish and you end up doing thing to keep your thinking process at place, no matter if you end up distorting the calmness of the others thinking process. In the long run if you see this way of extraction of affirmations does not good.even if you receive them you know you needed them and worked towards in order to extract them. May be you dint deserve them, may be the fixing of "emotions" the fixing of distorted feelings that you have to do toward the other after this extraction takes it away from you this achieved affirmation anyway.It serves no purpose as in hearts of hearts you know it dint come to you naturally. wish we could learn from this, but knowing this fact boils up more craving to extract the real affirmation and eventually screwing even the real ones you saved for good times!

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