Biggest gift of life is life itself.

I have been meaning to write about my feeling for a while because for past few months I have been experiencing immense gratefulness towards my own life. I am an expecting mother and almost at the end of my babies gestation period, i am ending the 8th month next week and very soon I will be holding in my hands a creation of my own. It was good ride till now and I am very very thank full for that. my supportive and caring husband has been looking after me like a baby. Every day when i get back home, he is there t hug me ask how i was doing. my conversations with everyone over lunches and phone calls etc have only been about my pregnancy and how I have been feeling. how i have been taking care. my husbands asks me everyday what do I feel like eating , what do i wanna eat. its really a blessing and i am grateful for being able to do this mighty job of creating a human being. My peeps at office are really supportive since the 3rd month when i told few of my office folks they have been very relaxed about work that is assigned to me. i feel special. my friends family have thrown a big baby shower and my cousins and real brother few in to give me surprise. life has been really showing me how lucky i am to have such great friend and family.

The day of delivery.
i was really anxious the 27th of march the whole day , people were calling in , msgin me asking if i had any news. my inlaws family members and so many people anxiously waiting when will the lil one arrive . this was not just to stresfull on me , it was uneasy and making my body so far from the release of oxytocin. my mother inlaw who has been here with from past three weeks since the day of my bed rest (which lead me to take 4 weeks of disability leave 28th feb from work.) has been consistently stressing on the fact that baby should come on the 29th . but it seemed like baby was taking its own sweet time. i had not felt any pains... till now. every one talked about how braxton hicks was very common symptom towards the end of pregnancy. but nah! nothing.
i shared this with shubham and he even stopped mom repeatedly saying 29th its is 29th it is... i was really worried how it will happen and when will it happen ... will the baby delivery be delayed beyond due date? i had always told myself couple of thing when i chanted , one of them was that i wanted everything to be completely natural. i did not want any induction i wanted the baby to decide to come out. and i really wanted it to be coming as 40 weeks were now done. if it would have been 41 weeks the thursday was our doc appointment, and our sweet doctor anna anderson would have discussed the option to induce medically. another prayer i made with myself was that i needed to be strong and bear pain well. i should not get tired.
the night of 27th i had pains... like every 5 min. mom and shubham also packed the bags for the hospital thinking this might be it. but i got up and i walked around and the pain stopped. these pains were massive like 4 on 10 at pain level. but they stopped. they came back inlater part of night but it was shubham big presentation day and i dint tell him the morning. i told him to go ahead and come after if it was okay. but by the time i woke up and it was noon. i dint feel a thing the pains had away again. seems like the pains on 26th and  27th came only when i was resting in the night. may be because the body released oxytocin when its relaxing. on the 28th March, which was my due date :) i was feeling uneasy all day. Shubham was on leave from work. he jst wanted to take off and relax and wait till monday for baby to come . so told shubham to get a pineapple. i have been exerscing on the both ball since forever and may be that helped in positioning of the baby eventually, but it certainly did not dd to any dilation of cervix of labour pains, i dont think the baby had descended any further than the last checkups with the doc. but i guess pineapple did the wonders. i had pine apple all afternoon and slept. in the evening we three decided lets get shubham birthday cake and go to rangoli to buy some sweets. it was the car ride in tesla when it all started. the bumpy ride initiated my contractions. i was feeling one every 10 min every where in cake shop in sweet shop at traffic light though out the tour i kept them coming ... we came back home and started cooking aloo paranthas, and gaurav #mamaji was arriving . he had planned to be here on the due date. he entered and asked me how are you behen ; whats your status? and i was like i am "getting the contraction pains i guess :)" i started getting pains.. while cooking parathas. every 7 to 8 min. we had downloaded an app which tracked the contractions... shubham was on top of it... he was the super husband measuring the contractions..all the time, even mom was looking at me all the time. just how if my parents would hav been there it would have felt. the day was tough for me as i was waiting anxiously for pains to start and everything from eating a pineapple to the car bumpy ride in tesla made it happen. my mother in law and husband would say it had to happen that way as they always wanted the baby to arrive on the 29th. Shubhams birthday Mainak's birthday it was how a sharma baby should be on the 29th!
i just had one parantha did not even have much food. gaurav and shubham relished the aloo parantha and i was just happy that contractions were coming in regularly, i tried sitting, lying down, cooking walking they were there every 8 to 10 min... i told shubham it looks like a readl deal this time they are regularly coming in... but he really emphasized on waiting for 5 -1 -1 . thats when the doctor and the hospital wanted us to come in just like our 101 class metioned. i always imagined shubham being the super husband and reching the hospital and saying 5-1-1 and admitting me :) which i am happy to report thats exactly how it happened. around 1 o clock i told mum gaurav and shubham that i think we need to head to hospital the contactions were happening 6.1.1 and by the time we reach hopistal they might reach 511. they packed bags and gaurav drove the shalu (subaru) to hospital.

we were there :) at el camino real hospital mountain view.  and just like a super husband shubham said 5-1-1 and they headed me to the emergency room. the nurse checked the contractions on the meter and they looked like 5.1.1 but my bp was high , the lower bp measured above 95 which made nurse talk to on call doctor of Pamf, doctor White (women doc). nurse cheked my dialation and told me i was 2 cm dilated. she also said usually they would admit a patient when contractions are 5.1.1 and 3 cm dilation and she would have asked me to go walk around the corridors and be 3 cm dilated and then they would admit in normal scenrio but because my bp measured high and i had been to the emergency a month ago for high bp they admitted me right away. few minutes after this discussion as they were about get me ready to move the labour room,i felt like i am peeing in the bed. i told the nurse and they said... my water broke. there was gush of water for which they provided my a a pad. intersting! i though may be because she checked my cervix dilation it pricked somewhere and my water broke. i was continuously leaking ... as they transferred me to the room. it 3 am ... and the aim for me for next three hours was to dilate more.  the nurse was to check my dilation around 6 am and tell me if i had progressed. i  was moving around with shubham by my side. gauarv and mom were sitting and just waitimg what and when will the baby happen. may be that was more stressfull and i was working our sitting on the ball, doing squats, walking around the corridor , while mom and gaurav rested or catched shut eye in the labour room. shubham was super tired too we were literally up all night, i was in pains and had work to do rest all three were spectators and they were getting more tired that i was... shubham suggestd me to sit down as even i was getting tired. and he catched shut eye by lying down on the floor. 6 am the nurse comes in an told me that my contractions have reduced she thinks its best to give me pitocin. now i was freaking out  my husband was sleeping on the floor and i could do endless workout steps but i was asked to rest , and that rbought my contractions down and now they want to artificially induce me, no no no . i was go all natural (excpet ofcourse epidural.)

My determination to write again!

Sometimes you maintain a list of things you would like to do, you think think think about it and concentrate on every thing else but making it happen.
I have had wonderfull thoughts and not so wonderfull thoughts in these years and i have been telling myself i wish i had a book in my hand right here and i would jotted these bizzare thoughts on paper.

Saahir the sunshine - 18 months very soon.

Its been long that I have wanted to share and pen down down what keeps me happy and our house mood elevated all the time . our lil one is growing up sooner than we think and it has been so much fun to see this phase , live it relive it and i dread really bad that I will forget it .

1. our baby goes to Ms Nasinet , for his day care , its home based day care and he is learning so many softskills because she is great , not just saahir we learn so much with her too. she listens to cribs and cries of every child and emphasizes on communication. I love it. hope this will go a long way . I want my child to be the best communicator of feelings.

2. Saahir loves to talk theses days few things that he says are super cute :) .

• Papa ji khatey hai butta, papa ji khatey and watermelon is his favorite things he says everytime he things of corn or watermelon.
• he would come running from one end of the room and just hug me in my legs , tries to just enter my thighs and hide when he is sleepy and hungry. 
• his dadi is here and he cant stop hugging and then hugging me and then hugging her , that his cute way of showing love to both and getting love from both . 
• i some times get amazed by so much he remembers , may be the way we are bringing up has alot of influence of pictures and his past captured and displayed from his car names to his dada nani dadi nana mamu bua , thier gifts, thier names, people places everything . i love it 

3. one day we were chilling together and having wine and saahir looked at the wine glass and went Cheeers!!! we were shocked to know who taught him that, was Shubham drinking when i was away haha. , and later we realized we all were out at the brunch that morning with gaurav mamu and gautam uncle and we did mimosa cheers while he was sitting with us on the brunch table and remembered to bring it up every time we drink from a bottle or wine glass. 

4. he has been noticing thing very deeply a keen observer , and if he could speak before. he is way early in speaking words from childs at his age . he clearly communicates when he has pain .. he says dard dard dard in paer!

5. he loves to go to costco : and when we ask him shopping karney jana hai > he says costco :)

6. Park Park Park : he loves to go in his car to the park but not so interested in slides or swings any more, he wants to mountain climb and check the little london bridge in his park he just wants to walk around. run to the main road while repeating car boo boo.

7. i love to talk out things with him . i usually do not treat him like child i talk and feed and talk and make him do things and he responds like an adult. 

8 he was sick recently and belive me as a parent its the worst feeling to see a sick child. he just dint want to get down from my arms. i literally held him in my arms from sat sun mon tue wed. thursday was happy as he recovered from massive day and night cold and cough but was still battling the wekness and runny nose here and there . but thursday wa sequally tough as i had to send him to daycare when he has not completely recovered. as i was getting him ready i was sobbing inside wether i should take another day off wether i should not send him and he was still hugging me and dint want to leave me . but right when shubham was putting shoes on him he said mumma ni mumma ni mumma ni. and i help him in my arms and he said : mumma ni Than you!!!! thank you !!! and he kissed . i was literally in tears . it was as if he said thank you to me because i comforted him for last few days i dont know how much it helped him but i tried.  this was a very special moment for me not just because he said thankyou. because it was reassuring that he does have gratitude even though he is not even 18 months old, because he loves what u do for him , because he knew he was going away and was aware enough to understand today will be tougher than days in my mothers arms. it was beautiful because i know he cares too.

9 he still cant say L, R, so london bringe is undan bridge : i just find it cute . 

10 he dsnt let his badi be in bathroom for a min, would stand out and start screeming ... banni ma aaajaaao . aajaaaao,

11. every morning he used to wake up in his crib and say Mummmaaaaa niiiiii.... and i used to pick him and get him to my bed. but these days he opens his eyes and calls from right where he is lying down mumma ni aajaaao... :)

12 my sunshine also appreciates :: SUN LIGHT ... today morning he cudnt stop saying sunlight .

Little things talk to me

When i was still growing up, i used to look at the elderly uncles and aunties going out for walks in night after dinner. I used to think why do they do that... every evening ... why wudnt they just sit at home and watch television or surf the internet. Because... that was probably my time to pick up the landline and talk to my school friends, may be gossip and discuss tv shows or boys.  Today when I look forward to an hour of walk with my husband after dinner I ask myself have I really grown up? It all seems like a deja vu, till yesterday I used to think it was a may be, but suddenly things have started to get real. i have started to feel more aware of the future. I have started to plan things, i feel i have started worry about what to cook tonight more than, next srk movie trailer. i come back home and re-think of the irnoy of the situtation, how my mum used to crib that she is tired of cooking the same vegetables every week.
I still remember my mom used to do all house laundry and fold it too, she used to crib that i never helped her, in folding it. She used to wash my clothes, fold and  keep it too. I never realized or got a chance to run out of an underwear or a t- shirt i always found a never ending supply of them in my closet, today when after a long work day... i come back home, and no matter for how many days I procrastinate its me who has to do it. My mum is sitting thousands of miles away.:)

Of many things i dont remember there is one thing that i remember clearly was she always left putting pillow covers on me, I hated doing that. i used always feel there should be faster way i can do it and then i can get back to my day dreaming world. but nonetheless today i am doing my pillow covers on my own, not only that i am washing them, putting them on the pillows , i have no kid right now to give that task to.. in fact taking them off for the next cycle ...all on my own. things change so does life, as i have grown up i feel these little things that we thought are what parents did i have started doing them too. :) it does not take away the child in me inherently, but indeed time and again it still comes as a shock to me, that omg i have grown up is it? i dont know may be over time i will come around and all this will be natural after years of pillow changing. this looks unreal as this is just the start but yes these little things from the past are coming back and have started to speak to me.

Here is a picture of me of my 1st diwali after marriage, this was temporary apartment we were living in for a while before we got our first place after we moved from san diego. The pic above is lay out of what our first place looked it, my husband and i spent hours deciding the plan. this was a new beginning of doing things like a grown up :)

     

Napaaaa

One of the best things in life is a smile...  And I think that's what we didi when we went out to the valley of nappa.  This place is situated in the hills of northern California and is full of wine yards.  We drove with a couple friend of ours and spent the day enjoying in one of the most beautiful wineries in Napa.  This one is In a form of a castle and it's called Castel de amorosa we spent all day taking pictures.  My husband was happiest and best took so many pictures of each other and he even drew a smal colorful painting for me.  And gave me as an anniversary present.  We loved the wine tasting we did in the tour and bought one ourselves.  This is a special white wine that costed us like 40$expensive but we bought it in the name of anniversary. :)  we haven't had the wine yet but the fact that we could togther go to places that I have always wanted to go was amazing.  Shubham and I are having great time these days taking trips around where he is free and not worried about anything and it's all happiness..  It beeen sixomths already and I don't know how time has flown. Seems like it was far far away...  And it been ages that we have been married.  Dsnt seem like just six months.  Another amusing thing is that unlile any other newly married couple we are not counting our months all the time. Infact it was shubham's parents who reminded us that it was our half yearly anniversary.  :)., we both just chilling and watching sholay the movie in the evening and they called on Skype and mentioned the anniversary date and congratulated us.  Only then did we feel we should do somthing about it and we should celebrate :=) .  I think since the time we have got married we are so relaxed about each other and our decision to be with each other that we don't think  about it anymore.  The big deal being married was before it really happened. But now it's like we were meant to be in this state.... So Much stress was there.. For no reason. I m glad it happened at the right time and we don't have to worry about any thing else now....

Don't sweat the small stuff, and... its all small stuff.

Don't sweat the small stuff, and... its all small stuff.



I was just listening to speaker Richard Carlson, and i am so so moved that i would like share some of the things that he mentions in his speech. He is not a powerful speaker but for sure a speaker with great thought and powerful words. I was really moved how he understands task oriented people. How through is speech he made me believe i am not the only insane, task fanatic person. He brings forth such strategies

Learn to accept more, you resist less and life flows more.

We should have more compassion for others.
We focus on little problems and concerns and blow out of proportion.instead we should have compassion about the person. other peoples issues and problems personally. We need to be kinder and gentler.

Focus on whats good.
Act of focusing on imperfection, means you are too attached to things that are wrong life instead on focusing on things which are good in life.

be less fearful
is there a fear if we are relaxed then we will be slow, but being fearful and frantic then we immobilize ourselves. not be creative. you should be with very relaxed and loving people. they will be more fulfilling at what they do.

how to develop compassion, try to put yourself in some one else's shoes.you should practice having intention and do some action about intention.

tendency to interupt people, trying to be in two minds at same time. speaking for people annoys them, start catching yourself. to be patient and wait.become more calm. people will feelgood communication is hapening. heart and pulse rate will slow down and its easy way to become nice easy person.

do things for others but dont them .
in order to get some more appreciation. we should do something without telling others. one should give for the sake of giving, the positive stays with you. the joy of giving will stay with you.

respect others ego. help other to be glorified. when some ones tells you about the achievement, do not try and tell about it. say things like tats wonderful and tell me more about that.

Learn to live in present moment. live this time. not think about the past issue. and postpone our present enjoyment.

Every one is enlightened , people here are to teach you something. we should what are they here to teach you, stop correcting others, conversational editing.

enjoy the presence of innocence. and concentrate on things that are good not how it can ruin  the moment. always see innocence in other people.

be the first one to love. others.


So filled with stimuli, i dont relax, people are no longer human being we are called human doings, we have to something, feelig of boredome changes to feeling of peace. so used to doing somthing everysecond. that i forgot to relax. simply learning the art of relaxing.

decrease the threshold for taking stress.
think you are on your death bed.
repeat to yourself life isint an emergency.

gently hold the problem in ur mind without actively trying to solve it. put problems on a back burner but dont stop the burner


tiny infants and 100 years old adults.you will get less irritated

more interested in understanding others and have less interest in others understanding you. means better listening.each  learned to understand the other, changes the feeling of irriation with compassion. better loving relationships

how do you interpret it?

The world is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think....

Some one asked me what does the sentence above mean to you.. i was not sure what to say when i read the sentence as it is. I just kept feeling that something was incorrect.
and then i came down to think it's the opposite,  The world is a comedy for those who feel and a tragedy for those who think....... So in order to be happy always feel and play by your heart.  If u think too much and use ur brain more than required ... U will more often be left tragic, and question why and why not.  
Live life from heart. Feel the world Nd keep smiling, laugh at its up and downs and move on.
So as per me the sentence is incorrect. it should be "The world is a tragedy for those who think and a comedy for those who feel....." and you wanna stay smiling and happy. 

"

Selfie

I am amazed how some can regard taking a selfie....a mental disorder.it is in fact one the best things that make one feel better. even if this is now called a disorder i think this mental disorder is super healthy. you exactly know when to smile which side to look and when to press that button so that you will never end up with picture with closed eyes. the world is in your hand, the shot is under your own control. i am not chronic of selfies,but i like to take on of them one or twice when i am supper dressed or when i got anew haircut.there is no harm. In fact its the best way to capture that moment when u are alone and you have no one to capture it for you for life. A moment that you would want to remember and keep, selfie is your best friend.A beautiful sunny sunday afternoon and i got a nice haircut done and the only way i could capture both the events together was to take a selfie. Thanks to whoever patented the front camera :)

Flower Fields... :)

Went to the Carlsbad flower fields today up north San Diego. I took my roommate and her mom who is visiting her this summer to the fields. the place was so beautiful it really made me write it down for my memory. To farthest sight that one can see, there were only flowers.... of various colors  I kept repeating over and over again that it reminds me some bollywood movie where the lead actor and actress are in romantic walk. We enjoyed the longest stroll i have ever had in park or between nature alone!. Its was pleasurable soothing morning Sunday walk, between various fragrances and world of colors.it was one to remember as i had never witnessed such a place. Even today we Accidentally we landed at this place because her mothers friend from india told her about such a garden. Funny that natives of this country or even us never found out about these. All in all a day well spent between nature and clicking pictures, drinking shakes and picking strawberries...LOVE this city.. the city of san diego.

I am stuck in Traffic... or am the I traffic?

A funny observation, when we think we are stuck in traffic, but forget that everyone around us might be thinking the same.Its interesting that we easily blame the cause of our situation like traffic and choose to ignore that everyone at that moment with you that you blame is in the same boat as you are.

We make and become a part of a lot of these situations in one lifetime. We drive things like corruption and blame on the country as a whole and citizens for it being corrupted. We litter in case we do not find a dustbin and end up thinking one Friday night how dirty these roads are...

It brings back to the fundamental principal of cause and effect.

loneliness = healthiness?

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

― Olivia Wilde

This got me thinking, it got me to introspect, if I was extremely unhealthy in my mind?

I always thought if people are able to define you it is good.I think they observe you at different situations judge you, notice your actions and reactions. Not just that they act as a stimulus that instigates your presence. i though truest proverb is that "Man is a social animal". Man real self is exhibited when he lives with human beings. he gets criticism, he gets appreciation.Then who else can be a better judge of you? I thought if people define you and weather that definition matches you own judgement about you or not, it is nonetheless the truest definition. A verdict that given by many and impartially. 

Even though if I spend time with my own self all the time, I believe that the real me comes into action when i am with people, it makes me talk, express, laugh and cry. It makes me use my brain, which analyses and observes. It gives me reasons to think and analyse. Weather my existence is acknowledged or not i feel i am more with myself around human nature I feel my senses have work to do. They respond, react, act, think observe, ignore and so much more. Unlike times when i am alone, and it becomes extremely difficult for me to find things to keep me busy. I have to deliberately think of things to ponder on, things that would keep me busy, things that would emulate the presence of humans like TV and movies.. My mind is complexly blank and for sure that is not the correct definition of my self. If olivia wild thinks its healthy to be alone, certainly I am super unhealthy according to her. My body my mind feels a self numbness and according to her definition of healthiness this can become super suffocating. 

I am not sure what thought to go with, i always thought i am healthier physically and mentally when around people. loneliness kills my mind. but may be i have trained it in the opposite way...!!!

One the eve of independence day...but away from home!

Jai hind... Missing home on such a day... what made me feel closer...was singing an old school song that I used to sing with my choir group...while sitting on my couch after ....work on the independence day eve...‪#‎worldatlarge‬

Tu zinda hai to zindagi ki jeet mein yaqeen kar,
agar kahin hai swarg to utaar la zameen par, Tu zinda hai...

Ye gham ke aur chaar din, sitam ke aur chaar din,
ye din bhi jaayenge ghuzar, ghuzar jaaye hazaar din.
kabhi to hogi is chaman pe bhi bahaar ki nazar,
agar kahin hai swarg to utaar la zameen par, Tu zinda hai...

Subah-o-shaam ke rang hue gagan ko choomkar
tu sun zameen gaa rahi hai kab se jhoom jhoom kar
tu aa mera singaar kar, tu aa mujhe haseen kar
agar kahin hai swarg toh utaar laa zameen par, Tu zinda hai..

Hazaar bhes dhar key aayi maut tere dwaar par
magar tujhey na chhal saki, chali gayi woh haar kar
nayi subah ke sang sadaa mile tujhe nayi umar
agar kahin hai swarg toh utaar laa zameen par, Tu zinda hai.....

Hamare caravan ko manzilon ka intezaar hai,
ye aandhiyon, ye bijaliyon ki peeth par sawar hai.
tu aa kadam mila ke chal, chalenge ek saath hum,
agar kahin hai swarg to utaar la zameen par, Tu zinda hai...

Some memories just bring back tear to your eyes... i still remember not clearly but faintly how we used participate in flag hoisting ceremonies at school and feel so proud to be an Indian, march pst those motivating speeches, chief guests... 

these moments bring beautiful memories of my school.. thanks to myparents... probably i will never thank them enough..for the school they gave us....

i am sitting some 10,000 miles away from nation and even a thought that its 15th aug in india makes me watch swades all over again...even though when in india i dint do much about celebrating this after i left school... but it irks me to do something sp when i sitting this far away from home! 

Time flies... and these feel like distant memories...

Mini Golfing

A game, a new one. Something meant for a different set of people, affluent and rich and I played it. Not intending to say i have become rich and have nothing else to do, but went ahead with my friends to try a mini version of it.Golf is the game. It funny what i thought about the game changed my perspective about over the trail from the 1st hole to the 18th one. I hated the game and was a firm believer it requires no brain and is waste of time. but it turned out to be pretty fun. It was useless at the 1st attempt , as I had absolutely no clue how to aim at that hole far away in a weird way looking from above. I have always played carom and there is way u aim. u close on eye and make an aim. and u strike ahead. but this was very funny in its own way . its about speed u hit and the angle u hit but without aiming. u hit by looking from above but the ball slides away to the hole. and slowly i piked up from the next hole on wards. I loved the game eventually though wasnt such a time waste i now know why affulent people love go play it. 

Sometimes

sometimes i wish , sometimes i pray,
sometimes i ask, sometimes everything is grey.
i wish before everything else could i could walk with you on the street
the street i wished i will walk with you. even though it looks its forever.
but still there is nothing that makes me believe never...
I know things take time and i envy feeling or possession i shall have in future already,
Not many would have done that. the feeling of being jealous of your future.but i live that feeling every moment joyously.
All i do is i pray, because i know i shall have whatever i say.
Its great to experience everything every journey. but i feel it with a sense incompleteness.
As i know i will be there again with you. the real happiness resides in experiencing
smiling around you and jumping around u.
Wish you were here. even before i can think you would be.

My treasure : The Pictures!

When days pass you just tend to forget what you have been doing in the past times, days and years. People always make fun of the fact that I take so many pictures where ever I go. While sitting or eating, walking or even while sleeping, maybe I am too attached to my life, and that’s why I want to keep every moment that I live, very close to me. I know these moments will never come back, but I had a sheer pleasure to be able to live these is greatest feeling and I want to capture them and hope when I see these pictures again I will be able to live them again. It’s easy to live things at moment and then forget about them, but if u possess a memory that weak you might as well make effort in the present to capture the instance with picture or better a video to revive that memory in future. You might not be able to re live it, but it’s your life and these things help in never letting you forget those precious moments. Like when people break up and they want to delete all pictures, it’s the same thing! I agree with the concept. You should do that if you don’t want to remember someone.. you should delete all the remains you have of that person or times together. As,  if you do not do that at that moment, no matter how much you try to forget, if you come across pictures or belongings you will remember most of the moments of the relationships. Well when talking about breakups, not all breakups are that bad if you don’t regret the relationships, then might as well keep the memories. You can see I am strictly against deleting pictures, unless things are really bad, because for me it’s your freaking life, you have lived it, why would you want to forget it.

Pictures would not be as successful in making you live life again, but they can make you brush up and remove the dust over that feeling and remind you of your life, and make you believe its not that a waste , that you think like it is at the end of an era. That is one feeling I have after every 5 years when I listen to more interesting stories about lives of people and their experiences, good for them they have really great memory and they relish this without capturing and narrate and spread the message in form of stories. Bad for me I become jealous, like my second nature, and tend to question my life, what have I been doing dude??? Looking at people and thier life’s like that, the only rescue for me is to get back home and see my old pictures, Where I LOOK HOTTER :P and lived and done as much fun , and some times more fun than other people. My picture database is something I treasure, it’s my biggest depression come back, thanks to advent of mobile phones it’s not that difficult anymore, now its not just about the touristy places that get clicked with the digital cameras. My phone helps me click the best of yogurt I have had and record a beautiful song sung by a guitarist at a Mexican restaurant. It literally helps me capture every moment of my life. I Wish like how Shubham keeps a “N”number of hard disks, (you see the alphabet N , you see it’s in capitals!!!) I want to emphasize really, he has “N” number of hard disks full of movies. I want to keep all the collection of my pictures of life safe in the hard disks, and these can be N+1, I do not mind.

My father says don’t love life so much, the only reason you are afraid of death is you love your life so much and stay so attached to it, you cling it. BUT, I am not afraid of death probably, I know I m living my life to best I can and I have proofs of that in form of these pictures. Any moment, if death shall take me I wouldn’t be afraid, no matter how attached I am to  life at present, I will cling on to death then for good.

180 days of faith! begin.

Its amusing to me that how one of the best conversations i have ever had, ( when i say best i mean interesting and the conversations in which i spend all the time i have and i still feel "dint we just start talking about it") are the ones which start from talking about personalities and stupidly enough about start signs. I get really excited if some one i am talking to is a scorpion too. Today the same things happened, this wasn't the 1st time when some one told me i am weird in a good way. I have always believed in putting forward my point, my thoughts in front of people strongly enough and people just listen and respond you are the 1st girl i have seen who is like that... or may be they would start like you are the 1st girl i have seen who believes in such thoughts..Its always nice to hear those statements, no matter how wrong they sounded right now because i left them open ended but they always sound nice when people say them after hearing me out, and they them with proud smile on thier face. Ok! i might not be making sense by now as to what i exactly wanted to say but yeah its just a nice feeling so i wanted to start with the thought. I was may be singing and working like how i am ... and he said "So Sonal dont you always stay happy", i always see you happy and smiling, I was shocked to hear that. Not that i am always sad. but it funny that my peers feel i am always super happy because i was just normal and working. But that's the truth , I might have my share of sadness and i might crib about stuff that presently going on in life i do appear to the worlds one of most happy people around.And i he just asked my my start sign. I said "Scorpio". As soon i said that there was this affirming smile on my bosses face.He said i knew there was something weird in you that's there in me too. I am also a scorpion. and now i like you more :). With so many instances in past that i have talked to him i have always felt like asking him what was his star sign , not that i believe in it so much. but yes i believe in one thing "The Scorpion Intuition". So like i said mannier times before in discussions with him i have felt probably he is a scorpion, but i never asked. but today may be he had the same intuition when he saw me singing may be. Its just about  karmic connection the discussion got stretched from just start sign and personalities to life and karma and suffering and then my favorite topic of Laws of Attraction in the world and how you can get what you wanted . As i talked about it i realized how weak i had become in my own belief of this philosophy. Some where within me i have given up already . I have started feeling believing in the totally opposite and that is just taking me no where. My mother in the end of the day re affirmed and reminded me that i always said i can get what i want if i really wanted and in past i have proved it, that got it. All i need to do is start believing and from today on wards i re affirm my faith .I start a count down to 180 days of FAITH!!!!Shall keep you posted as i have my prayer well posted!!

One of the best days of my life. though i miss a presence of my loved ones but at this time .. i am alone and i don't share time attention any thing. every feeling , every moment every time is mine.  I don't know what future has in store for me but presently every moment i live i want to capture that completely . I try to open my eyes as wide as i can and capture everything and then close them to store that view or moment for ever.


List of times I have felt Ecstatic.
1.Nitro @ six flags New Jersey

2. Stinson Beach View Point @Northern California SFO

3. Transformer 3D ride @ Universal studios Los Angeles

4. Tubing at Mission Bay San diego
5. The view at Shanon Doa Valley @ Maryland
6. Lurray Cavens @Maryland.
7 The Sky Deck Tower Chicago

Living with family and friends i used to wonder i hardly spend on myself. days and months used to go by when i used to think i haven't bought any chocolate for myself. I did big things with my money but those small things i would buy was always for my friends or family but never went out specially to buy a packet of chips for my own self.
Now Every time i go to a shop i pick a packet of chips and i know i am just buying it for myself.There is no one  else to share it with. Its my purchase of choclate and i have it in my hand not because some gave it to me today but because i felt like it and i had no else to get it for me.Every penny every cent spent is only on me only because there is no else to spend on me. and i am making efforts to fulfill me small relishes.

“When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” 
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Higher expectations!

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations... Its been proven time an again. You act with others just as you want others to behave with you. Your behavior towards some one is summation of your personality, your upbringing and a part of it also because of that is how you would want the other to be with you. Alot of times it happens when u think giving a gift to some one, the 1st thing that comes to your mind is something you would like to get. Most of us also go right ahead and do those things for others for we expect them to back to us, primarily because we would love it. A relationship is always about giving and taking. You give in order to expect the same thing from the other . You show hope in others distress in order to expect the other to serve the ray of hope when you are in need. You transfer information to others and tell them about updates in life, and of course to expect they would tell you about their own. But during this phase of give and take , doing action to expect a reaction we forget that that people are different. every one does not think on the same lines. every one has a set of priority list that cast on to. They might not think the future you expect is of importance right now. But you are not wrong in expecting and neither is the other wrong in not giving. The other can also be on this side of table some time and he would also face his own set of disappointments when you do not live up to their expectations. This happens and its healthy, both share each others set of disappointments and life is balanced and healthy.

What screws up the whole situation when you try and impose your expectations on others . when others disappoint you and prove them that you expected something else. You contest the behavior and you explicitly underlay what wanted and have done or said if you were in this position. By laying down your expectation on table you just cement yourself as control freak who would want the other to behave as a robot. when you try and explain them to the other person it comes out as some one who crazy. some one who expects you to behave the way you want them to behave some one who either wants to know everything or some one who either wants to know future. and after asking such predominantly stupid question there area set of answers you would expect. If you do not get those answers or actions from the other you think they committed a crime . The other becomes a criminal because you would have not done the same thing you would have acted the way you expecting the other to act like. But little do we forget we would act like that only because we know what to act like. They are at the beginning our expectations and we ourselves very well know what we want.

Little does the other know that thing is important for you and they need to pay attention towards it just like the way want them to pay attention. Next comes the phase of over explicit explanation of what u require and that kills it all. you are just mocked at and thought of why would you think that the other would do that. you just become this little annoying person who would always search for what you want forgetting the others works in own way.

Trying to fulfill others expectations also brings another episode of changing your personality forward in any relationship. which is worse i do not even want to go there.

All i think and always take away after every disappointment you get is You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you. you are different, like every one else. you might work hard and express in one area the other might to brilliantly well in something else but basing any relationship future on failure of any sort of expectations is wrong. Every one would work around their priority list of actions and causes they have to make. to expect them to make our list as their priority is injustice. Like i said no one is as perfect as you are !